The Goddesses of Orlyism
by Crystyna
Summary: The Goddesses Of Orlyism co Crystyna and Laura 2003 get POWWED not zapped into ME to raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer their weasely black guts out! But they quickly find that they're in for a surprise...
1. Otchcray of the Elfyay!

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Chapter Title: Otch-cray of the Elf-yay!

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

Author's Note: This ENTIRE STORY is dedicated to my fellow goddess, Laura aka Laurel aka Lorenzo aka etc etc (who is gonna co-write this w/ me I hope!)….And also because its so fun to write a story with all these hotties in one universe, right? (with the exception of Oropher and Thranduil, who could be very hot [I mean, look at Legolas] but are also very old. [but then, so is Legolas] the fact is that Oropher and Thranduil are grandfather and father and that would just be _wrong_ *shudders*)

-I don't care if Oropher died in some war. I was flipping through books at B&N and found his name and therefore he is in this story. Teehee.

-There is basically no plot to this story, unless one is thought of along the way…

~*~

Now, what is the most typical way one can get zapped into Middle Earth? Oh, I know, I know….I was….reading the Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time and then I closed my eyes and when I opened them, POW I was in ME. No really, I was! I mean, I am. I think….

And would you GUESS WHAT?! I was all alone in a big forest that was probably Mirkwood. And I was wearing my black tank top that was tight on my oh-so-thin-and- perfectly-shaped-body with my perfect raven hair falling gracefully down my back in an intricate braid that there is no way in hell I could have done myself but I guess I didn't because how the hell else would it have gotten there? 

So I was sitting in the middle of a forest on….a log….yes. A log with the most beautiful mold on it anyone has ever seen in the history of the world. Uh huh…and I had a little bag with me and when I opened it GUESS WHAT I FOUND! C'mon, guess!

Okay. I found: two necklaces, both of them had silver chains crafted _soooooo _intricately crafted that I could just wet myself with joy. But of course I couldn't do that because I am *clears throat* perfect. Ah yes, perfect. So anyway, I was looking at the necklaces, and one had a black stone in it, and one had a white stone in it. I took the black one. Pretty…I dug through the bag again and NOW guess what I found? 

A DRESS!!! Two dresses actually. One was dark gray, and the other was pale gray, and both were GORGEOUS!! And would you guess what?! BOTH OF THEM WERE PERFECTLY MY SIZE!!

Okay no, that's actually not how I found myself in Middle Earth. Nope. You see, that would have been great. Because then I could tell you that my fellow goddess, Laura, tumbled from the sky and we both put on the dresses and necklaces and danced around til all the hottie elves came and whisked us away and married us and we lived happily ever after. The end.

But no. The truth is that I had just taken a shower, attempted to curl my dark, straightish hair (and failed miserable), washed my face, brushed my teeth, and had nearly taken off my contacts when the computer called to me and I decided to write a little bit. After that I shut down the crap computer, and then the bed started saying things like "Come lay down, its late, you're tired, and that Spanish skit you have to memorize isn't worth shit, so come lay down and go to sleep next to the thousands of pictures of Orlando Bloom on your wall," 

So that's what I did. I opened the bed, and began to tumble down. 

And then I never stopped tumbling.

And I fell through fire, and water until…oh wait, that was Gandalf.

Anyway, I tumbled and tumbled until I landed with a _thunk_ on my head in the middle of nowhere. Really, there was a little sign that said "Nowhere". Actually there wasn't, but in my delirium, there was. You mustn't forget that I had just tumbled through fire and water and landed on a tall snowy mountain in the middle of the storm with a PMS-ing Balrog. Oh, wait…that was Gandalf again.

Damn trees. Damn roots. I landed on a root. A big, spiny root. And to make matters worse, I was in my blue plaid pj's and black tank top that was far too tight and low cut for someone who needed to do a few more sit ups before it would be legal to wear such a thing. And to make worse matters even worser, someone landed on top of me.

"Oof!" I heard.

"Geroff me," I said.

The person who oofed rolled off and I sat up to look face to face with him.

Her.

She had long blonde hair and blue green eyes and I swear I've seen a picture of her somewhere.

"Crystyna?!" she gasped. Ding dong, she said it two y's so of course it must be….

"Laura?!" I shrieked, willing to temporarily forgive the oofer who had oofed me. She squealed and I squealed and we hugged and got up and started to skip through the forest when we came upon.

(dundunDUN)

NONE OTHER THAN….

*drum roll*

Legolas!

Yup, and we ran up to him and said hi and then he said oh by the Valar you are the most beautiful girls I've ever seen and who cares if you're only fifteen and it would be illegal will you be my wives?

And we said, of course my lord, we'd love to.

And then we lived happily ever after, amen.

Of course, that's not really what happened. 'Cause Legolas had to be all super elf and spin around and let two arrows fly and me and Laura shrieked and tumbled once again to the ground as the arrows sped by.

"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!" Laura screamed.

"ON A STICK!" I added. Legolas blinked and walked over and then me and Laura sprang up and he said, "What are you two maidens doing, walking about the forests of Mirkwood all alone?" and I said, "We're not alone!" and Laura said, "I wanna be the arrow." 

Yeah. So then Legolas said, "Forgive me, I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood," and me and Laura said, "We know," 

And he just stared at us, and we stared at him and then I said, "Well, how can you expect us _not_ to know? We are princesses from….er….Americien, the Realm of the American, erm, elves."

"Slash humans," Laura said.

"Half-elven," I nudged her. She grinned, "_And_ not only are we princesses, we are _goddesses_," and I nodded vigorously. Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"Goddesses of Orlyism," I said helpfully. Nope, the eyebrow remained raised.

"Are you quite sure you didn't bang your head?" he asked us. "HOW DARE YOU DOUBT OUR POWER!" Laura screeched. "BEHOLD!" I roared. I wasn't truly expecting anything to happen, but something did happen. Well, two something's happened. First, a girl flew through the air and was impaled on a branch. There was no blood, and when Laura and I looked up, we saw that it was Elizabeth Swann. 

"I can't breathe," she said. "Oy, could you two get me down from here?" I looked at Laura, and she looked at me, and then we closed our eyes and Elizabeth was gone. Unfortunately, it wasn't an act of our strange separated at birth imaginations, because Legolas had knocked and arrow and shot if off at the tree, and when it hit solid air, he turned to us and said, "What was that?!"

And Laura said, "It was your mom,"

And I said "The eeeeeevvviiiiilllll goddess, who was fighting us for Americawood,"

"I thought you said you came from Americien," he said, utterly confused.

"That too," Laura said, and I was overcome with the need to curtsy. So I did, and when I opened my eyes, GUESS WHAT I SAW?

"Otch-cray of the elf-yay!" I shrieked and flipped back up and got my hair caught in the tree. "AIIII!" I screamed, while Laura laughed her ass off. Not funny, damn it.


	2. OH MY GODDESS AN UPDATE!

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

Author's Note: for the first time in the HISTORY of the world *drum roll* i shall respond to reviewers. dont you feel loved?!? now off you go to read and review how to snag a hottie and its sequel. because i am emotionally attached to that story and i love it and it loves me. and i love YOU!!!! *is full of le lurf* 

TO MY REVIEWERS: _Yes I know it's been a long time and you've all probably forgotten the little intro to this story where OH MY WORD 2 teens get sent to Middle Earth (who could have come up with such a unique plot for a story?!) but please jog your memories and remember this lovely little start of a hopefully co-written story. *glares pointedly at Laura) *_**Laura, as long as you update your other stories, I'll be happy!!!! Go update LOTHY!!! AND CS!!!!**

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Radioactive Bubblegum: I SHALL DO MORE! (do leggy-muffin more that is. wooot bring on the bondage!!!.....and you so did not need to know that, eh? *nervous laugh*)

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Queen Of The Faeries1: hey you spell faeries the way i do. and i would so love to see that too....*kicks Elizabeth discreetly*

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Fuji The Hobbit: coolio name for a hobbit. I don't think this is going to be the Quest of the Fellowship per say.....but i shall not reveal any further...

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Lily the Bucklander: *joins psycho death-to-Elizabeth dance*

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sugaricing: *pats sugar on the head* yes, honey, this is my only story with Laura in M/E with me. hey that rhymes (pronounced: RaaHYMES). *plays ring around the rosie, and then thinks about the bubonic plague and stops* UPDATE YOUR STORY!!!

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ThePinkPanther: I LOVE YOUR NAME!!! I LOVE THE PINK PANTHER! I HAVE 2 PAIRS OF PANTS AND A SHIRT WITH THE PINKEST OF ALL PANTHERS ON THEM!!!!

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Legolas stalker: LaurEL, what could i possibly say to you? except WHEN ARE YOU GONNA WRITE?!?!??!

WARNING: In this chapter I plan to abuse Franglish in a major way. For those of you who do not know, Franglish is a stupid American teenager allowing _le _to precede every other word in God's green dictionary. Yes, His dictionary is green. 

Gandalf: How do you know this?

Me: *Freaky Sarumon voice* I have seen it.

i have a feeling i frucked up Gandy's line. Oh _le_ well.

~*~

Okay so while I was stuck so pleasantly with my hair in a tree and my face rather awkwardly shoved in _le crotch_ (as they say in _le Franzz_) of _le elf_...um, that was about it. Laura was laughing, Legolas was not moving (the kinky horny bastard) and I was screaming "OH MY GOD I'M STUCK MY HAIR EWW WAS THAT THE BRANCH THAT ELIZA_BIZNITCH_ WAS IMPALED ON?!?!?!" and then muttering quietly to myself "Ya know, this ain't so bad. This ain't so bad at all," 

Legolas, however, seemed to have a great deal more shame than my fellow goddess, and quickly stepped around to untangle my hair. My hair is great deal stronger in Middle Earth, it seems, and so it was able to support my considerable weight. And so when my hair was all good and untangled, falling like a shimmering shimmery thing of raven-ness down my slender swimmer's back (not that I swim I guess I am just blessed by _le Valar_)....

I fell quite unceremoniously to the ground, face down. And lay there twitching while Laura gained control of her vocal chords long enough to stop laughing. I felt strong archer's hands (who knew Laura had such sexy hands? NOT.) lifting me up and dusting me off.

"Oy, Monsieur Elf, I feel a bit of _le dust_ here..." I said, pointing none-too-modestly to the upper torso area of my tank top. Laura glared daggers at me. Almost literally, I think, but thankfully we were not tripping TOO much and the daggers were the size of needles and got stuck in my tank top. 

Legolas, if he had not been perturbed before, was certainly perturbed now, and turned around abruptly. I pulled the needles out of my tank top and flung them on the ground, glaring at Laura. "You could have injured the lovely sexy hands of Leggy-muffin, my ever faithful sex slave," I growled at her. Evidently, our goddessness protected our conversations from _le shag of a lifetime _who was walking ahead of us. Or maybe he just knew he was too sexy for his jerkin, damn it.

Who said teenage boys were the only naughty ones?

"You practically invited him to feel you up. That would so not be fair," she said. I smiled and we walked on, blessedly behind _el_ _elf-o que tiene los rock hard buttocks_. "Mmm-mmm good," Laura said, imitating the Campbell's soup commercial. "You can say that again," I said, linking arms with her and enjoying the view of the lovely Mirkwood forest. Yeah, trees are fun. 

"I don't want to say that again. But there is something I _do_ want to say," Laura said. I didn't respond, seeing as how the totally fine legs of Prince Leggsie were just captivating me. Uh-oh I was tripping on fan-girl syndrome, in the worst possible way. Laura unlinked our arms and walked up to Legolas, who seemed to want to get away from us but didn't want to feel to guilty about it considering we are poor helpless maidens who must have hit our head on something. She tapped him on the shoulder and asked him something that I couldn't hear. Then he took off his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders. My jaw fell so fast it dug itself all the way to the Middle Earth equivalent of China.

I took a deep breath and decided that the Heavens would split open because now it was war. There was no way my fellow goddess was going to out Mary Sue me!!!! She turned around and winked evilly. I glared and walked up next to her, "This means war," I grumbled. She grinned at me, snuggling into the cloak that probably smelled like him. I was so jealous. "Bring it on," she said cutely, standing up a little straight and walking with a so Mary Sue swagger in her hips. Oh yeah, well too can play at that, although I was probably likely to fell the entire forest with my Peruvian-style hips. TIMBER!!!!

So we walked and walked and Legolas didn't say anything but kept looking at me and Laura like he thought we had just fallen out of the sky, or something. We were probably going to be in so much trouble when we got to Thranduil, or Thrandude as Laura liked to call him, because you can't really fool an elf especially if you make up a whole new realm off the top of your head. 

That is, assuming Legolas was taking us to Thrandude...I mean, one never knows.

"Erm, your Highness?" I said meekly, looking up at him through my lashes as we walked along and willing myself not to crash into a tree or something. I had walked around to the other side of him, so that he was in the middle and I did not have to be overcome with the urge to steal his cloak from Laura, who was happily humming "May It Be".

"Yes....I'm sorry, but I don't think I've asked for your names," he said politely, nodding at Laura and then turning back to me. I smiled, "My name is Crystyna, in my realm -"

"Our realm," Laura said, sticking her tongue out at me when the Prince wasn't looking. I smiled demurely, "Our realm," I concurred, "But I am also called Harma, short for Morharmaiel," Tee hee, pretty Mary Sue names!!! Laura sneered at me and mimed gagging.

"And this lovely blonde imp is my sister, Laura," I said, grinning wickedly at her. She pouted, but smiled when Legolas turned to look at her. "Also called Lothy, short for Lothuviel," she curtsied. Damn, why didn't I think to curtsy?!

"You have beautiful names," Legolas said.

One, two, three: cue faint.

But instead, we smiled and continued walking, while Legolas told us all about Mirkwood, and the giant spiders (Laura almost fainted for real then), and how the wood elves were rather fond of wine (which we both knew from _The Hobbit_) and the grand festivals that were held every night.

_What else is done at night?_ Laura and I both wondered at the same time. In the same head. Like that freaky chick, Galadriel. We both nearly flipped, but Legolas kept on chattering. I shot a weird look at my "sister". Enough was enough. First we fell out of the sky, then Elizabiznitch, our mortal enemy (who was really a character in a movie, but then again we are walking alongside an Elf from Middle Earth so "Hey, it could happen," seriously came into effect here) was impaled on a branch and then dissipated; then Laura sent needles at me and finally we're sharing brain waves. Like, in the literal freaky deaky Lothlorien way?

One thing was for sure, at least. Middle Earth was doing some _strange_ things to us fan girls.

~*~

A/N: I hope ya'll liked it!!! Review!!! Suggestions! And _no_ this is not a Mary-Sue, at least it wont end up that way (*is slightly upset*). But God knows I cant control what happens if our lady heroes (it's just odd saying heroines) like the Greenwood wine a _bit_ too much!

*C*r*Y*s*T*y*N*A*


	3. The Mirkwood Routine

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

Author's Note: Hmm.third chapter. I have no idea what's going to happen, would you believe it?!

**_ _**

TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED REVIEWERS:

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SayDee27 because Im too lazy to log in: Boy do I know the feeling, I never log in when I review x] Yesh, I am sorry it took so long to update but I hope I can update more frequently now especially because next week is SPRING BREAK!!!! And worry not, my friend, the first five pages of htsah2 are typed up and ready for more!!!! CHARGE!!

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Lady Dagger914: *takes a bow* Thank you, my dear...are you new to my madness? I don't think I've seen your name before, but then again, I don't often look at the names because I'm so ecstatic about actually getting a review. ANYWAY if you are new, welcome to the corner of insanity known as my ff.net account. Enjoy your stay and please, review again! x]

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Sugaricing: Well hurry up and finish that homework then, I'm dying to find out what happens to my -egad- BLONDE HAIR!!! *hides* And _x-ray glasses_, hmm? *looks at Legolas* oh yes. These are VERY useful...'cause now I can _SEE THROUGH TUNICS!!!!!!_

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Lily the Bucklander: FANGIRLISM IS GREAT! Except I missed the premiere of NED KELLY!! I USUALLY GO SEE ORLI'S MOVIES THE *DAY* THEY COME OUT AND THIS TIME I COULDN'T!!! WHAT KIND OF FAN GIRL AM I?!?!?! *weeps*

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Indil Elondili: Jeez your name is a tongue twister. *grins* Yes, Will and Jack shall be arriving soon. I just have to figure out who they are going to fall on and when...I don't think I can put Orlando or Johnny in though, I think there's some rule against that sent by The Powers That Be in ff.net...but maybe they can make cameos...x]

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The One Who Doth Remember to Curtsey: GO YOU!!! Also, YAY--Waffle Head was in the review!!!

Crystyna: *To Legolas* Don't you call her pathetic, boy. * and rant, rant, rant* 

Legolas: *looks sexy*

Crystyna: *drool*

Huzzah, my responses to the reviews take up a whole page-ish!!!! GO ME!!!

~*~

So, where was I? Oh yes, listening to the extremely gorgeous voice of the Prince of Mirkwood telling us exactly where to stick a pointy object if you are ever caught with a giant spider. Evidently, you'll have to be under the spider considering it's rather protected except for its "vulnerable underside".

Speaking of vulnerable undersides, I wouldn't mind if the walking, talking, breathing, air excreting sex GOD was caught under ME....but that's besides things.

_You are so nasty_, Laura thought. I glared at her, _You know you're thinking the same damn thing,_ I thought back at her. She grinned and licked her lips, and I started laughing, which seemed to surprise Legolas a bit. Obviously whatever he was saying wasn't very funny, by the strange look he was giving me.

"I had a thought," I explained quickly. Laura rolled her eyes and touched Leggy's arm. "Ignore my sister, she has bouts of insanity sometimes, I'm afraid," she said, smiling up at him. "Its an illness, you know, I think she inherited it from our dear mother, Eru bless her so-" and suddenly there was a root that decided to stand up and trip my lovely sister, making her fall on her face in the damp Mirkwood earth. I bit back a grin and hurried over, "Oh, are you all right Lothuviel? Good Heavens, where_ did _that root come from?" I said, trying very hard not to think about how I had just wished for a root to come up and trip her. Maybe we weren't lying when we said we were goddesses...

"You must excuse my sister, your Highness, she's a bit of a goose when it comes to moving about," I said, looking up at Legolas. He smiled and helped us both up, "One would think that you would have a bit more grace, being goddesses," he said, while Laura thought angrily _You did that on purpose! I'm so going to get you back._ And I answered, _Nuh-uh, we're even now._ _And you still have his cloak, so shut up._

And we were walking once again. Do I really have to tell you that Mirkwood gets boring after, oh, say, a couple of feet of trees? And then, more trees? And would you expect that after you've seen a couple of thousand trees, all to brilliantly different in their green and brown tree-ness...there are still more trees! I was shocked, I can assure you. 

"We're nearly there," Legolas said, with an almost uncanny ability to read my mind. Then again, nothing is uncanny if you can suddenly be telepathic and make roots stand up out of the ground. So within a few more centuries of walking and seeing such incredible scenery, we came upon a clearing, of sorts. There was a huge castle, built right into the - you guessed it - trees. It was made of wood - now where would they have gotten that? - and there were elaborate carving everywhere. It seemed to go on for ages, and didn't look at all like Lothlorien, which is what I was expecting. No, it didn't have an iridescent silver glow, instead there were torches, which made me wonder how safe it was to actually be in Mirkwood. For all there gorgeosity, elves may not be that smart. I mean, _torches?_ In a _forest?_ It made me think that giant spiders were the least of my worries.

Either way, it wasn't an eerie otherworldly glow of Lorien, even though Mirkwood, I suppose, is otherworldly, to me; instead it was quite homey. I bet even the dungeons are well kept, why would the dwarves complain about being stuck in Mirkwood?

_Dungeons,_ Laura thought slyly. I bit my lip to keep from giggling.

There were a good number of elves milling about aimlessly, it seemed, bowing to Legolas as we walked by and looking strangely at Laura and I. I smiled back, trying to walk like a princess or a goddess or what not, and Laura did the same. 

_Don't you dare trip me,_ I thought to her. She winked back, but I think she must have known that if she did trip me, I'd do something far worse to her. Besides, as lovely as the dungeons sound, I'd rather not end up going there for scaring the bejeesus out of the subjects of Thrandude & Son.

"I am going to introduce you first to my father, and then we'll see what is to be done about you. You may want to leave out the part about the goddesses, and Amercien or wherever it is you say you're from," he said, grinning slightly at us. 

_Sigh_, me and Laura thought simultaneously.

"Prince Legolas, before we meet your father, the King, do you think it would be alright for us to get changed...we're not exactly conservatively dressed," I asked, and Laura nodded, gesturing to her own white tank top and short cut off shorts...Legolas looked us over - YIPPEE! - and nodded, stopping an _elleth_ (witness my superiors Elvish knowledge) and telling her to find us a room and let us change into something suitable to see the King. She nodded, not even looking at us, and started walking. Legolas told us to follow her, and like the good little subjects we are, we did. She walked fast and Laura and I, with our short human legs, had to jog to keep up. Did anyone ever tell you that female elves are extremely tall? I was pretty tall, being at least 5'6", and still she towered a good four inches above me. 

She took out a key and opened a door, walking in and then opening a closet. She pulled out two dresses - ironically they were dark gray and light gray - and laid them each out on a bed. There were too beds, each four post queen sized beds with green silky canopy things, and the floor was marble or something, cold and tiled. Very chic, for people living in a forest. The walls were, of course, dark wood, and there were candles (oh great, more flames and wood) on the walls. There was only one dresser, but it was huge and looked like ivory. Someone's been hunting some oliphaunts...She turned to us with only a mildly surprised expression on her face, as if she was used to strange maidens being housed her.

_Hey, she better not be too used to strange maidens being housed here,_ Laura thought angrily. I agreed. "Do ring if you need anything, mi'ladies," she said, nodding to us while taking in our strange attire with an all too casual gaze. She gestured gracefully to a silver bell hung next to the door, and turned to leave, closing the heavy wooden door behind her.

"Is it just me, or do you get the feeling that this is a bit routine for them?" Laura asked. I pouted and walked over to the arch that led to the balcony. Apparently it never rains or gets cold in Mirkwood because there was no door. The balcony was also made of marble and there were two metal chair things encrusted with jewels. I recalled how fond the king of Mirkwood was of his jewels. It seemed that since _The Hobbit_, he'd gained quite a few more.

"Laura, which book are we in?" I asked, walking back into the room after having gotten quite nervous from looking over the balcony railing. We were up pretty high. She shrugged, looking in the mirror and adjusting the neckline of her dress - she changed while I was by the balcony. 

"You know, it kinda sucks that we're not Mary-Sues," I said, slipping the dark gray dress over my head and lacing it up in the front. Since we're not Mary-Sues, it was a bit loose in the front. We don't get the well endowment of Mary-Sues, I guess. Laura looked at me oddly, and then sat in front of the dresser and began to do her hair. I did the same, brushing it and leaving it where is was because there was really nothing that I knew how to do with it without mouse or gel or hairspray.

_I wonder if they have indoor plumbing here,_ Laura thought.

"Don't count on it," I answered her, putting down the brush and standing up. They didn't have make up either, unfortunately. "So, I guess we should be getting....wherever," I said. Laura rolled her eyes at me, "Yes, Tuna, because we know where we're going," she said. And then, as if on cue, there came a knock on the door. We both hurried to open it, and waiting on the other side were our escorts...

~*~

A/N: I don't like this chapter. I don't think its funny. I wasn't feeling funny today, hence the boring chapter. So I ended it before I could make it any more boring than it already is. Hopefully, I'll have more like with htsah2...


	4. Double Your Pleasure

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

Author's Note: Hmm.third chapter. I have no idea what's going to happen, would you believe it?!

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TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED REVIEWERS:

**Radioactive Bubblegum** You really think they're great? *gives lotsa Legolas toys* thanks….*grin* I don't like it. My funniness is not funny to me. I don't think LOTR self insertion fics are a strongpoint of mine...

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**Suga****ricing: ** Hey, gray dresses can be pretty. Think, like, sparkly gray dresses. Laura's was platinum and mine was like….erm….charcoal? LOL…besides, they were elfishly made dresses so of course they are breathtaking….if only the gal's had the perfect Mary Sue body to put them in *snaps fingers* damn. Who writes this story anyway? She's not a very fair person…*grin*

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**Indil Elondili** LOL, yeah I figured your name would be elvish…mine is Morharmaiel Anoron/Amrunelen Merkalote…I went to like five million different sites and picked my 3 favorite and BOOM there was a name.

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**Lily the Bucklander** FINALLY, an honest person! LOL I agree, it was boring. And I did update htsah2.…enjoy *gives free popcorn*

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**Alassea2** I am updating, as requested. Unfortunately, my muse did not come with her daily supply of ideas, and so I'm gonna have to wing it this chapter…

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**Lady Dagger914**It _is_ cool how they're telepathic. I wish I could make stuff happen at will…well, not really at will, because it was kind of random (like the Elizabeth thing) but still. *looks up events in _The Random Events Dictionary _(i.e. my mind) and decides which ones to add into the next chapter*

~*~

Well, we're back, after the boing adventure that was the last chapter (oh, don't deny it, you know it was a snore jerker). Laura and I had just opened the door, and then our eyes fell out of our heads and rolled around spastically on the floor because our escorts were _none other than_:

*drum roll*

ELLADAN AND ELROHIR.

That's right, ladies, the two twin (as opposed to 3 twin, I wonder?) Sex *Gods* (which is something-gotten-heimer in german, thanks to my lovely friend Kathy's away message) were standing outside _our door_, looking at US. Yes, me and Laura were standing in front of the two prince-things of Imladris. Who knew that the offspring containing half the genes identical to Sir Eyebrows himself could be so _fine_?!

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Half the genes, eh? Laura thought. 

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Go science class, get down wit ya bad self, I answered stupidly. Evidently, being in the presences of two fine, upstanding elf boys makes my mind warped back into the early nineties lingo. It all good…

Anyway, my job now is to describe the entire deliciousosity of Specimens E and E squared, otherwise known at Elladan and Elrohir. 

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You are such a fruit cake, Laura thought, oh so generously. I am very lucky that my mind works fast, because I realize now that we must have been standing in front of the Hot Twins for a while without saying anything. Its okay, thought, because we are so breathtakingly beautiful that they were just stupefied by our beauty and we were stupefied by their hotness so no wonder we were shocked into silence. Like Narcissa and that mirror thang. Good lord, I just thought "thang".

"What _do_ they feed you in Rivendell?" Laura said appreciatively, while I only found the wits to nod. Oh good lord, there must be _something_ in the water…The twins, however, looked puzzled. "Lembas bread is a favorite," one of them said. I crossed my eyes and then there were four - each of them looking at me, rather concerned. I grinned inwardly.

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What are you up to? Laura thought to me suspiciously. I flipped her off in my mind, telling her to get out of my head, while I fell backwards in a "dead faint". I am such a good actress. My school play people can bite my ass, I deserve an Oscar for having the nerve to faint backwards onto a hard wood floor. God only knows if I could have knocked over a torch or something, and then where would we be? Roasting.

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Drama queen, Laura thought exasperatedly, glaring down at me while one of the Twins (needs to be capitalized to emphasize their hotness - how did Laura describe them? Oh yeah, identical to Legolas except with long, dark hair) helped me up. "Are you all right, lady?" he asked. I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine, but I'm ever so hungry. My sister and I haven't eaten all day, I'm afraid," ritzing my voice up with an accent. Take that, Keira Knightley. 

Laura rolled her eyes, "You can put her down now, my lord. Say, you two wouldn't happen to be twins, would you?" she asked, doing her cutesie blonde thing and twirling her hair - which seemed to me to be a bit lighter - around her finger. The Twins gave there full attention to her, but I was still being help up by Twin One, with his arm around his waist. I glared nastily at Laura, she had one-upped me there because I, unfortunately, am not blonde; therefore I cannot pull the cutesie blonde thing. Damnation.

"Actually, we are," the one who wasn't holding me said. Sigh, even their voices are identical. I could have _so_ much fun with them. Just them, and me, in one room. With one bed. Maybe in those dungeons…handcuffs at my disposal…maybe a riding crop…

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Whoa there, cow-girl. Kindly remember that I am in your head as well, and so_ don't need any visuals_, Laura thought, glancing at me. I grinned.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am Elrohir, and that elleth-chaser who is so reluctant to let go of your sister is my twin brother, Elladan. We hail from Rivendell - or Imladris, as you seem to know," Elrohir said. Check. Elrohir is the one in the burgundy. Did Laura mention that they have gray eyes? Really, really pretty gray eyes. In fact, their eyes were the only thing that they have different from each other - Elladan's eyes were dark gray (matching my dress) and Elrohir's eyes were light gray (matching Laura's dress). Coincidence? I think not. 

"We have heard of you," I said, smiling up at Elladan and thanking my parents mentally for spending those four thousand smackers on getting me braces when I was in the fifth grade. "Really?" Elladan said, taking my arm and following his brother and Laura as we headed down the hall that was lit - surprisingly - by candles. Nobody sees the irony in this? It's just _screaming_ California forest fire.

"Yes…Lothuviel and I come from…er…" What was I supposed to say? I couldn't say Mirkwood, obviously, and Rivendell was out of the question, and if I said Lothlorien then I could get caught in a lie quite easily. I raked my mind, scanning all the maps that I'd skimmed through and wishing I'd paid more attention to the names of all the places. Elladan was looking at me, rather puzzled, and I squawked out "The Blue Mountains".

__

The Blue Mountains?! There are Blue Mountains in Middle Earth? Laura practically yelled in my head. I winced and looked up at Ellandan, praying to the Valar (Good God am I getting used to this place or what?) that he had never been there.

"The Blue Mountains?" he said faintly. I smiled. "Yes, North of the Shire…our village is by the River Lune and it leads down the the Gray Havens. My sister and I had spent many a year there, watching the Elves leave,"

"And how would so young a maiden spend many a year?" he asked, with the infuriating superiority of an immortal elf. I raised my chin. "Perhaps you did not know, my lord, my sister and I are no ordinary maidens," I said.

__

Oh, don't start with the goddess crap, Laura warned.

"I'll have you know that we are half-elven, much like yourself, if I'm not entirely mistaken?" I said, fluttering my eyelashes. Laura mentally smacked herself, and then chased me around my brain with a broom.

__

Cool it, Lothy, that's what you told Legolas, I thought back, mentally brining out a blow torch. She ran out of my head very fast, before I had the chance to set her on fire, and, coincidently, fry my own brain. Being telepathic is hard work.

"Are you really?" Elladan asked. I could sense a torrent of questions coming on, and that made me nervous.

__

Our mother was an elf, and she left for the Gray Havens when we were young, our father raised us and then he died, so we were brought up in the village by the Blue Mountains. Laura constructed our life story beautifully. It was probably entirely unbelievable, so I had to rely on my own skill to change topics very quickly. I heard Laura telling her story to Elrohir, and Elladan (with his infuriated superior elf hearing) did not feel the need to ask me.

"What she said," I grumbled, realizing, unexpectedly, that we had come upon a stair way and were going to descend to the feast or what not that Leggy's daddy had thrown, in honor of the two gorgeous maidens that had graced Mirkwood with their presence and were about to steal the heart of every notable bachelor in the realm (including those visiting from Rivendell). What can I say, I was always a fanciful child and never very practical.

I just hoped they wouldn't ask us too many questions about our heritage, because neither Laura nor I had delved so deeply into Tolkien-lore that would could provide a stable explanation. In fact, the explanation that she gave was likely to get a few flames, if this were a fan fiction. Luckily, it is not a fiction, it is a historical account of my time in Middle Earth.

"Please welcome yet another pair of maidens who seem to have fallen from the sky in time to dine here with us tonight," came a booming voice from the center of the room. Elrohir led Laura down one staircase, and Elladan led me down another. I felt something itchy on my skin, and looked up. It looked like the stars were falling on us, but only Laura and I seemed to notice.

__

I hope I'm not allergic to this shit, Laura thought. I smiled, _I'm not allergic to anything_. I told her helpfully.

__

Shove it, Morha. _ And_ _what did that fluffy bloke with the flowers on his head mean by "yet another pair of maidens"?!_ she snapped. 

__

Beats me…and I think that 'fluffy bloke' is Legolas's daddy-o, hun, I answered.

__

Oh shizzle.

~*~.

A/N: And there you have it. The fourth chapter. I think its better than the third, but one can only hope. R/R please! 


	5. Fancy Elvish Dance Parties

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…*evil laughter*

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TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED REVIEWERS:

Indil Elondili: Lily is a very cool name. In The Missing, with Cate Blanchette, the girl who got kidnapped by Indians was named Lily. Fun facts to know and tell.

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Lily the Bucklander: Yet another Lily. Hmm...Yes. Lego's papi. You can judge for yourself if he's a loser or not. x]

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Radioactive Bubblegum: Lolz, damn girl, a little excited aren't we? Yes, Twins are always very good. Twins and Legolas and elveses...mm-mm good.

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Lothy: Yes, damn you, blondie! I wanna do the cutesie blonde thing! Its not fair!!!!

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Alassea2: The site didn't, but thanks anyway. Yesh, slash is a bit scary. I remember once my friend came to my house and we were looking for LOTR fics and we saw a Legolas/Aragorn one and we got scared and cried....well, we didn't cry. We screamed. And then she said "My poor Ary!" and then I said, "My poor Leggy!" and then we signed off very fast and were traumatized.

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Sugaricing: E squared. Don't ask. I'm so insane, it can't even be documented. *gives new keyboard, complete with its own umbrella* Be careful where you drool, dear.

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Lómelindëwen Ainadae: Good lord, what a name! Thanks for the overview, I agree Chapter 3 was very boring...

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SayDee27: Sure you can 'borrow' the cloak idea....can I read your story w/ your friend? Are you posting it?

~*~

Stairs are tricky things, even with a completely gorgeous and graceful Elf Princeling at your arm, escorting you down. But I guess I was so overwhelmed with all the elves - and a good few of them were males, meaning a good few of them were drool worthy - and the fact that Legolas' father, the king, was at the center of the hall, waiting for us to meet him or something; that I didn't quite see the little bit of imaginative carpet that was folded up, and I tripped. 

And Elladan, who meant well, I'm sure, and was just trying to be polite in not holding my arm too tightly, couldn't help me as I tumbled the last five stairs. I landed on my rear with my legs stretched out in front of me. Laura, or Lothuviel as I am now inclined to call her, was laughing none too quietly from the stairs above. God help me if I'll let her get away with that.

I willed her to trip too. Which she did.

Unfortunately, she had a strong grasp on her escort than I had, and poor Elrohir went tumbling right down with her. Which ended up kind of okay, because she landed in his lap. SO not fair.

"It wasn't my fault this time!" she whined, although admittedly not as upset as she might have been, seeing as how Elrohir was there to break her fall.

"Interesting," Thranduil said, walking up to me. I looked up, not really liking the position I was in. With Legolas its one thing, with his father is quite another. Laura waggled her eyebrows at me suggestively, and I rolled my eyes. I blew my hair away from my face.

"What is so interesting, my lord?" I said quietly, watching the shell-shocked silence of his loyal subjects. Legolas was watching me with interest. I sat back and fought the urge to preen. Laura was still on top of Elrohir, watching Legolas sourly, and now Elrohir was trying to get up but she was making no move to assist him.

"Usually the maidens who find their way into Mirkwood are more graceful than you and your...sister, is she?" he drawled, looking over at Laura appreciatively. She squeaked and hopped off of Elrohir. Thranduil laughed and walked away as if he was bored with me. The rest of his subjects laughed too, and heartily, as if they were waiting for their cue. Kings suck. "Prick," I muttered under my breath, wondering, not for the last time, who the hell these other maidens were.

Elladan chuckled and pulled me to my feet, and took the liberty of dusting off my dress. Once again, I'm sure he did this with only the most gentlemanly intentions in mind, but I grabbed his hands away after a moment, looking up through my lashes and grinning at him. He looked away quickly, "Forgive me, Lady Morharmaiel," he said. I kept grinning and placed my hand in the crook of his arm, letting him lead me to wherever we were going.

Hopefully to a nice bedroom.

Where we were going, it seemed, was a rather nice room. Oh, hell, it was amazing. Very well furnished and not a torch in sight. I could breathe easier...well, no, I really couldn't, the dress was rather tight. It seemed that we would be eating dinner elsewhere, though, because we kept walking. Elrohir and Laura waited for us to join them, and Legolas made his way over. Well, gee, I feel special, I have a whole entourage.

We_ have an entourage, Oh Lady of Grace_, Laura snapped, shoving me to the side. I glared at her. _ If you hadn't made me fall down the stairs - which hurt, I'll have you know - then I wouldn't have made you trip!_ I told her.

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I told you that it wasn't my fault! It was you're own_ klutz-_

"Suuuure," I said out loud, earning yet another few odd looks from the elves. They look really hot when they have odd looks on their face, though, so its okay. Laura laughed. Grr...

Anyway, we got to a nifty little picnic area and sat down to eat. Evidently, Laura and I were the guests of honor because we sat by the King himself. She sat on his right, and he seemed to like her a lot more than me, because he kept leaning towards her to chat. I sighed, but was okay with it, because Legolas was next to me, and Elladan next to him. Elrohir sat next to Laura. Well, Thranduil can just piss off, because I'm gonna talk to his son.

I kept getting distracted, though, because Laura would giggle and bat her eyelashes at the King...he was like, fifty! Okay, so he was probably closer to fifty thousand, but still! Ugh! Father fetish, much?

"So then, when the giant spiders came to invade the palace, I had to fend him off with my bare hands until help could come!" the King said loudly. I coughed into my wine and put it down hastily, stuffing some bread into my mouth when the Michael Jackson of Middle Earth turned to glare at me.

"What, can't a girl cough?" I mumbled, swallowing. 

"Gee, your Highness, that was awfully brave of you. Weren't you terribly afraid?" Laura asked, leaning over. _Hello, Middle Earth to Lothuviel, what the hell is wrong with you?_ I asked her. She grinned and me, and leaned over further. Oh my Eru, she's trying to seduce him! I turned around and tried very hard to strike up a conversation with Legolas.

"Of course I wasn't afraid, dear, I had to protect my son...Legolas, my boy, did I never tell you that if I hadn't protected you, that spider would have gotten to you and -"

"Yes, father, you've told me this a thousand times," Legolas said tiredly, casting a glance at me. I coughed again and shoved a forkful of venison or whatever it is this Mirkwoodiens eat into my mouth, looking innocently at the King who would most likely have me beheaded.

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This is injustice to brunettes, I thought angrily. Laura smiled, not taking her eyes off the king, and answered _So go get some peroxide_. 

Sometimes she made me very angry.

"My father isn't as heroic as he says he is," Legolas explained to me quietly, leaning over to whisper in my ear. Cue shiver. I felt like I'd floated into a Mary-Sue...sigh....Oh good lord, what am I talking about? That would be awful! 

And yet, there is all the pelvis action that Mary-Sues tend to get...

"I've heard, and you must excuse me, Prince Legolas, that your father wont do a thing if it doesn't have to do with jewels or gems of some sort," I whispered back, casting my gaze down. Legolas chuckled, but when I looked up he looked less than thrilled. "Yes, that is usually the case, I'm sorry to say. And you don't have to call me Prince, Lady Morharmaiel," he said, smiling in earnest this time. Flutter flutter went the butterflies.

"Well then you shouldn't call me lady," I answered smartly, taking a gulp of wine. Turned out not being such a good idea, because I was sure to get very buzzed. I looked at Laura's glass to see that she had already finished hers. Oh, wonderful.

"Lady Lothuviel, would you care for a dance?" the King asked suddenly, and I noticed those weird elvish songs were being sung. They went something like this:

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*O! What are you doing,

And where are you going?

Your ponies need shoeing!

The river is flowing!

O! tra-la-la-lally

here down in the valley!

I started laughing as I heard the lyrics, and looked at Laura, expecting her to be laughing too. She looked scared. The King was waiting on her expectantly. I grinned. "Lothuviel, the King asked you for this dance. Surely you do not mean to keep him waiting," I said. She glared at me and nodded reluctantly, standing up and being led to the 'dance floor' which consisted of underbrush that wasn't so brushy as the rest of the forest.

"Funny, I don't see a river or a valley anywhere," I said. Legolas and the Twins laughed. "It is a song from Rivendell, we sang it when -"

"Oh, I know all about Thorin's company, and Mr. Baggins," I said, smiling. They looked surprised. Yay for Mr. Tolkien! 

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O! What are you seeking,

And where are you making?

The faggots are reeking,

The bannocks are baking!

O! tril-lil-lil-lolly

the valley is jolly,

ha! ha!

I was quite terrified when Legolas and the Twins started to sing, as if it was the pop music of Middle Earth. Iluvatar save us all if it was...Legolas held out his hand to me and dragged me over to the dance floor. Laura looked so very unhappy dancing with the King.

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Serves you right, Lothy, I said smugly and I was twirled around to the beat of the music that was so obviously written by Sir Eyebrows himself. No other could come up with such insightful lyrics, you see. So we spun around dancing and the elves were all joining in singing the wonderful songs that elves liked to sing...

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Make it stop, make it stop OH MY GOD GET YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS!!! Laura screamed. I spun around to see her, and sure enough Thranduil was being a very naughty King. 

He grinned at me. "It's good to be king," he said suggestively. I ran over to Laura, weaving through all the jolly couples, and tugged on her arm.

"Come here I have an idea. If we're to get out of this Queer Eye Middle Earth dance party anytime soon, we're gonna have to shock 'em into silence."

"Do we have to?" Laura whined, grinning. She knew full well that it would be a blast. "We should sing a song," she said. She touched my throat and put a finger to her lips. We were now sonofied, or whatever it was in Harry Potter so that dude could be really loud without a microphone.

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Wait! I thought to her. She stopped. I grinned and snapped my fingers. We were now sluttified, in short skirts and corsets and huge boots. Time to scare the bejesus out of the elves.

"HEY MIRKWOOD!" I yelled, walking out onto the dance floor. Laura zapped up the intro to our number. The elves stopped and stared. I grinned and found Legolas and the Twins in the crowd. I winked at Laura.

"This one's for the Elven Princes down there," we said together.

"Ready, here we go!" Laura crowed, flipping off Thranduil.

"We're gonna perform a little song tonight, by that well known group called the Divinyls," We got cricket chirping from the audience. "Don't all applaud at once. .It's dedicated to the best lookin' elves in this forest, and just to ya'll know, you could really do with some better music," I said.

"_Anyway_," Laura snapped. "Let's get started!"

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I love myself

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myself

I want you to find me

I forget myself

I want you to remind meChorus:

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you 

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no

We sang, we danced, we were very provocative and extraordinarily drunk. Legolas and the Twins, who had been grinned, looked shocked. I danced up to Legolas, Laura grabbed both of the Twins by the front of their tunics. They looked very, very frightened. 

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Switch! I thought to Laura. She did so, gladly, as we continued singing our theme song.

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You're the one who makes me come running  
You're the sun who makes me shine  
When you're around I'm always laughing  
I want to make you mine 

I close my eyes  
And see you before me  
Think I would die  
If you were to ignore me  
A fool could see  
Just how much I adore you  
I get down on my knees  
I'd do anything for you

I watched, fascinated, as the tips of the ears of our honeys turned redder and redder. The other elves were divided among their reactions...some were laughing (most of the males), some were angry (Thranduil and a few tight ass males, and all the females). 

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I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you   
I touch myself  
I don't want anybody else

When I think about you, I touch myself!

We froze as the song ended. Completely silent. Not even the wind blew, we shocked it into silence. Then, we ran.

~*~

A/N: While I write this story, I learn the very depths of my insanity. It's amazing!


	6. Of Braids and Bazoomas

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…evil laughter

A/N: I can't respond to reviewers because currently I am in a car, driving to NJ with a lap top on my…er…lap…x] Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

No one got in our way as we ran as fast as our un-Mary-Sue legs could carry us up to our room. I think that they may never talk to us again, if they don't kill us in the morning. The looks of horror on Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir's faces was enough to send us into mad laughter, so we were clutching our sides as we ran. Amazingly enough, we made it back to our borrowed rooms without getting too horribly lost.

"We are so dead tomorrow," Laura said, throwing herself onto her bed. I nodded, pulling on a robe and sitting behind her to braid her hair, which was a few shades lighter than it had been upon entering Middle Earth, but I was too tired to notice. She did the same for me, braiding a French braid into my hair and securing it with a ribbon. I wasn't intelligent enough to do a French Braid.

"Wow, Tuna, this braid is amazing," Laura said, observing it in the mirror. I looked up, bewildered. "What?" She was looking at it, and evidently it wasn't the boring regular braid that I swear I had done. It was plaited, looking very exotic, and suspiciously like something Arwen had done in her hair.

"How did you do that?" she asked. I shrugged, "Elvish wine must have made me spastic," I said. She shrugged too and hopped into her bed, as I padded quietly over to my own queen-size and sinfully comfortable bed. We were asleep before we got to wish each other good night.

I woke up the next morning feeling distinctly different. I sat up blearily and rubbed my eyes. The first thing I noticed was that I had gone to sleep last night with my contacts on, and woke up without them. And yet, the world was perfectly clear. Frowning, I ran a hand through my hair - that was in a perfect braid, regardless of the full night's rest. I frowned deeper. Laura was still asleep in the bed next to me, and as I looked at her, I realized that her hair was indeed _many _shades lighter than it had been the previous morning. And it was longer too, quite a bit longer.

"There is definitely something in that wine," I muttered, walking over to the mirror and wincing as my feet met the cold floor. Damn elves and their wiggy body temperature. As I stopped in front of the mirror, and looked at myself I realized that I looked a bit different. My eyes were clearer, there weren't any dark circles underneath them, and my skin seemed smoother. It was still its shade of olive, but it was as unblemished as if I had just spent the better part of the day exfoliating. My lips were pink and not chapped, and my teeth were whiter than they would have been if I had spent a week's worth of professional dentist cleanings.

"Weird," I mumbled, walking over to the closet and pulling out a dress for today. I settled on a deep red silky dress, in fact it was just layers upon layers of fine cloth, so it was nearly translucent. I felt a grin tug at my lips, "Watch this be Elvish lingerie or something," I said, pulling it on after ducking behind some curtains. I walked over to the mirror again, and nearly had a heart attack.

"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!" I shouted, jumping a few feet away from the mirror. Laura woke up as if she had been shot. "Holy fu - what the hell are you screaming about, Tuna?" she snapped.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT WINE? WHAT DIDYOU **_DO_** TO ME, LAURA?" I bellowed, still staring in the mirror. She walked over to me, grabbed my arm to turn me around.

She collapsed into giggles, "Someone's making you into a Mary-Sue!" she sing-songed. And she was right - the dress, which would not have fit me so snugly around the chest area, was now a bit tighter…and I sensed a bit of cleavage, even without the usual push up bra that was the only possible way to achieve such a trait. My waist was about an inch smaller, which wouldn't seem like much but certainly did a helluva lot when my…other assets were noticeably increased.

"This is awful…" I moaned, pulling my hair out of its braid and gasping as it cascaded down my back to my waist in waves of true raven…my eyes widened, the only thing that wasn't Mary-Sueified they were still the same light, light hazel-brown.

"I don't know what you're complaining about," Laura said from behind the screen where she was changing. "I mean, I bet the Princelings are gonna be all over yo- SWEET BABY JESUS, WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!" she shrieked, and I heard a rustle of clothing as she finished dressing and zoomed out from behind said screen. She was in very much the same state as I was, and it seemed that we both had gotten taller as well. Her silver blonde hair, which had once been dirty blond and shoulder length, was now also down to her waist, shining, and as stick straight as Legolas's. I burst our laughing as she surveyed herself in the mirror.

"Where did my body go?" she demanded. I shrugged, pulling on a necklace and a little ring that I found, with a sapphire in it. She did the same, pulling on a necklace and a little emerald ring. We both sighed and headed out the door.

"I feel like an idiot," I grumbled, trying to fix the top of my dress, oblivious to the strange stares that I was receiving. Evidently, Elf-maids don't go around fixing their…bazoomas…as they walk down a hallway to breakfast.

"Oh, shut up, they're not _that_ much bigger," she said, looking quite proud of her own. "The thing that's is bugging me is this stupid hair…its so long! What the hell am I supposed to do with it?" she groused.

"Leave it there, duh…what else were you going to do with it? Make a cloak?" I asked. She glared at me.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" I teased her. She shoved me aside and I was caught instantly by a pair of strong Elvish arms. Laura gaped as she saw him, and I craned my neck around to see Legolas grinning above me.

"Quite a show you gave us last night," he said, his eyes twinkling. I flushed up to my hairline and realized that he wasn't looking at me eyes. Laura was having fits of laughter. I aimed a kick at her discreetly, trying to pry myself out of his arms.

"Yes, well, I'm always one for entertainment," I said nervously as he took my arm and folded it in his own. Now, Laura looked quite upset. She was, however, not to be left alone for long as Elladan and Elrohir decided to come up on either side of her and take an arm.

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Pimpin', aren't we? I thought to her. I saw her wicked grin.

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You can bet 'cha life, she thought back happily.

"Shall we proceed to break our fast?" Legolas said, aiming another heart-stopping grin at me. "Da," I said. He nodded, as if he didn't find it at all strange that I was struck monosyllabic, and we continued on.

All through breakfast Laura and I were the epitomes of grace and beauty - and I am not being sarcastic. It was the weirdest thing - at one point Laura was laughing so hard that it seemed like she would burst, but her laughs were quiet and measured, and very proper. In fact, in the middle of a "ha!" she looked quiet terrified at me.

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What is going on? She wondered. I shrugged, frowning, and decided to munch on some fruit quietly. The Princelings didn't find it strange at all that yesterday we were shorter, rounder, flatter, and clumsier. It didn't seem odd to them that last night we were fifteen year old Regular Earthlings, and now we were some sort of half transformed Mary Sue type creatures.

"What would you like to do today, Lady Morharmaiel, Lady Lothuviel?" Elladan asked, nodding politely to both of us. We looked at each other, and shrugged. All three elves smiled at us, as if our shrugging was the most beautiful gesture we'd ever make. I rolled my eyes.

"How would you like a tour of the castle grounds? Perhaps some archery, or sparring?" Legolas asked.

"Ooh, could we ride horses!" Laura squealed suddenly, and then clapped her hands over her mouth at the high, false tone of her voice. I closed my eyes, as if in pain. Big mistake.

"Lady Morharmaiel, whatever is the matter? Do you feel faint?" Elrohir asked valiently, leaping up from his chair and kneeling before me. I opened my eyes, and stared at him. Legolas and Elladan were also looking very apprehensive.

"I'm _fine_," I said, exasperated.

"Forgive me, my lady, I thought you were ill," Elrohir said. I felt bad. "I'm sorry, its just…you three are making ever such a big deal about my sister and I," I said, biting my tongue as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Could I sound any stupider? Laura oggled at me.

Legolas smiled, pulling out my chair and offering me a hand up. I toke his hand, and he pulled me gracefully to my feet. I pouted upon hearing his next words. "Well, Lady Morharmaiel, 'tis not every day such beautiful maidens grace Mirkwood with this presence."

Somebody just shoot me.

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update! This is for Laura, who was bugging me about it yesterday. Love ya, girl!

-Crystyna


	7. MarySueification

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: Are you ready for this? I do not own: Legolas, Will, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir, Glorfindel, Rumil, Orophin, Oropher (Legolas' grappa), Thranduil, or Jack Sparrow (CAPTAIN), or Merry or Pippin or anyone else who happens to stumble into my clutches…evil laughter

Author's Note: I'm back after…well, I don't know how long. But I went camping this weekend, and since there was pretty much nothing to do except eat I decided to write the newest chapter…hope you like it! If it sucks, it's because there were about half a million mosquitoes trying to kill me. Ciao.

"'Not everyday that such beautiful maidens grace Mirkwood'," Laure grumbled under her breath as we stood behind screens to change into suitable riding clothes. "What the hell is he playing at?" she continued, emerging from behind the screen in a forest green tunic. I walked out and surveyed myself in the mirror next to her. I was wearing a tunic of deep Legolas-eye blue. Our tunics matched our rings - emerald and sapphire, respectively.

"Well, we are quite good looking now." I said, tying a belt around my waist, amazed at how tight I had to pull it. Being dropped onto one's head in a forest in a different dimension had its compensations.

"I can't believe we've been made into Mary-Sues!" Laurel wailed, tying her hair up angrily into what she was attempting to make a messy ponytail. No such luck, not a hair was out of place. I raised an eyebrow and bared my teeth in the mirror, admiring my pearly whites. Frankly, I didn't know what she was complaining so much about.

"It is a bit unnatural." I conceded, straightening imaginary wrinkles on the front of my tunic and picking up a cloak. It wasn't very cool out, but just in case I decided to bring a cloak with me. Laura looked at me as if I had betrayed her into the hands of horny Orcs.

"Crystyna! I used to _write_ Mary Sues, before I became aware of how pathetically degrading they were to both myself as an authoress and myself as the character I wrote!" she groaned, as if I was clearly mentally unstable. I paled, remembering my own ill-fated stories of Morharmaiel, the half-elven warrior-sorceress-healer-princess-pageant queen of Middle Earth. Surely I was not the same sickeningly perfect Morharmaiel Anoran Merkalote Amrunelen of Lothlorien, cousin to Arwen Evenstar and foster daughter of Galadriel!

Although, if I remember correctly, she did marry Legolas, and have many kids.

"Oh no!" I said, my hand over my mouth. Laura smacked my hand down, looking indignant. "Don't _do_ that!" she scolded. "You look even _more_ of a Mary-Sue!" she continued. I nodded. "Sorry, _Lady Lothuviel Whiteflower_." I mumbled sarcastically, and she just glared at me.

"Laura…remember how we used to say that some Mary-Sues are okay? Some well-written Mary-Sues?" I asked, as she paced around the room. She looked up. "Yeah." she grunted, evidently trying to go to the other extreme and be a Mary-Sue cavewoman. I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe we've fallen into a _well-written_ Mary-Sue." I suggested, fixing my necklace that I'd found in my bag so it shone outside of my tunic.

Laura sat on the bed and scratched her chin thoughtfully. "D'you think we could have that kind of luck?" she asked. I turned around. "Probably not…but maybe!" I said brightly. Laura frowned. "We'll have to see…if any of the elves fall madly in love with us and propose marriage in the next thirty-six hours, then we're not in a well-written Mary-Sue fic. And…if we get some kind of stalker elf, we're not in a well-written Mary-Sue…and, if our boobs get any bigger, we're _definitely_ not in a well-written Mary-Sue." she said decidedly. I nodded. "Okay."

"What if we start acting like Mary-Sues, and aren't able to help ourselves?" she asked suddenly, horrified. I started walking to the door. "Well, we'll just have to exercise some self -"

The door opened and before me stood Legolas, looking excellent in the tunic that he was wearing, the green one with the light blue one underneath, and those leggings that show off those incredibly sexy-hot legs…

"Control." I finished, swallowing hard. Legolas took my hand and gently placed a kiss to my palm. I stood there with my mouth open. After a few days I came to my senses and licked my dry lips, looking down and blushing. Legolas chuckled - a sound that is an entire sexy entity in itself - and pulled me down the hall. Looking over my shoulder I saw Elladan and Elrohir having some kind of staring contest to see who was be Laura's escort. Evidently, Elladan won, as he bowed and murmured "Lady Lothuviel," and offered Laura his arm. Elrohir followed them dejectedly.

At the stables, Laura and I were given our choices of a mount. Laura chose a chestnut stallion with a star marking between his eyes. His name, she was told, was Bregol, and he was a steed from Rohan, sent to Legolas by the Lady Eowyn. Laura looked rather sour about this, as did I, but Legolas assured us that Aragorn had been given a horse as well.

"Yes, well, the honorable and chaste Lady Eowyn was in love with him, wasn't she?" I groused. _Mary-freaking-Sue!_ Laura accused me so loudly telepathically that my head rang. "Who'd want a horse for a gift anyway?" she sneered aloud. "I mean, sure, they're great fun. But they shi-"

I sneezed, cutting off her tirade about horses and they're excretion habits. Legolas laughed quietly and kissed the back of my hand, his eyes never leaving mine. My heart rebelled against me and did several back flips. "Each member of the Fellowship received a gift from Rohan, my lady." he said, and I almost didn't hear him, because his thumb was tracing patterns on the inside of my wrist.

_Please, Mommy, can't I just give in?_ I thought to Laura, but she shook her head vigorously with wide eyes. I noticed that Elladan had tugged her closer to him and with his arm about her waist they led Bregol out of the stable, Elrohir once again following forlornly.

"Choose a mount, lady." Legolas whispered in my ear. I shivered. "You." I said decidedly, turning to look at the elf. He raised his eyebrows, amused. I felt my face get hot. "I - I mean, you, my lord, should choose for me." I said hastily, coughing. Laura could sense my embarrassment, even from outside.

_Did you just ask if you could ride him, Tuna?_ she taunted. I snickered, and Legolas turned around again from surveying all the pretty horses. "Something amuses you, melamin?"

_Warning, warning! He just called me 'my love'! We are _so_ not in a well-written Mary-Sue! _I thought to Laura.

_…Damn_, she sent back distractedly.

Legolas was holding his hand out to me so I walked over to him, wondering why it was that we stood in front of an empty stall. Legolas swept me into his arms and we fell gracefully into the clean, sweet smelling hay. Oh. That was why.

"Prince Legolas!" I gasped, holding up a hand to push him away, as my maidenly honor required of me. He smelled clean, like a forest, and I wanted him to kiss me. Well, honestly, if you were in my position - and that is meant in the least sexual way possible - you would want the Greek-god beauty that is the perfect Prince of Mirkwood to kiss you -among other things - too!

"Harma," he said, shortening my elvish name to the endearment meaning 'treasure', "I have wanted you since I saw you this morning…Harmamin, you are so beautiful, please say you'll have me!" he whispered desperately into my hair. I sighed - but opened my eyes after a moment, as his words sunk in. Wait a minute - this morning? What was I yesterday? A duck?

_Quack quack_. Laura sent me.

I pushed him away gently, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but indignant all the same. "Legolas, your highness, I am only a maiden of fifteen summers!" I said, glowering as my tongue decided to take on a dialect of its own. He pulled me back down next to him. "Surely, beloved, we do not need such formalities! Call me Legolas." he beseeched me. I fought down the urge to roll my eyes as he kissed my hand again.

_He doesn't know where that hand has been, eh, X-tyna? Not very hygienic are they, these…wonderful…gorgeous…elf-gods…_Laura thought to me. I must have looked perplexed because Legolas said, "Fifteen summers is of marriageable age! Please, we can go tell my father now!" He kissed me on the lips suddenly, and I lost the ability to think.

"Please, your majesty, you must allow me some time to think!" I stammered, cursing myself and Laura and every other Mary-Sue writer, reformed or not! At least we could have been dropped into a decent MS, where the females are a bit more than simpering morons!

"I would not dishonor you." Legolas said hoarsely, meeting my eyes. I jumped up from the hay as if I'd been burned. "Good! I'm glad! Please don't!" I yelped. I hurried over to a dapple gray mare with opaque onyx eyes. Legolas was quick to inform me that her name was Celebduin, or Silver-River. Again, I fought the urge to roll my eyes and Celebduin bit at my hair in a reproachful sort of way, as if she knew that I thought her name was typical.

Legolas chose a white stallion, whom I recognized at once.

"Arod!"

The horse snorted boredly at me, obviously the only one who was not impressed with my sudden development of breasts in a Britney Spears overnight sensation sort of way. _At least someone has some sense around here_, Laura thought, and I had to agree.

"How did you know this is Arod?" Legolas asked. I blanched, distracted by the excited whoops that Laura was currently sending me telepathically. _What_ was going on with that girl?

"Oh…I recognized him." I stuttered. Legolas looked unconvinced. "But you have never seen him before," he said skeptically. "How could you have recognized him?" I shrugged.

"What other noble steed would Prince Legolas, the eyes of the Fellowship of the Ring, ride, if not the brave stallion Arod of Rohan, who has carried the unconquerable Prince into many fierce battles?" I asked, once again shocked at how my tongue ran away with itself gleefully.

"I wouldn't say unconquerable." Legolas said softly, moving closer to me. Oh, damn. I moved away nervously, fully aware that I was well on my way to getting the reputation of a tease. Just brilliant. For every step the prince took toward me, I took one back until I was right up against Celebduin, who was behind me.

Oblivious, Legolas said, "Obviously the Valar have blessed you, Harma, for the sweet words you utter are made sweeter by the melodious music of your voice."

_Gag me now, please_. Laura thought.

"Personal space!" I whimpered as Legolas leaned in closer, his lips, I realized, were the lips that belonged to the dozens of Orlando Bloom pictures on my wall, and I struggled to quell the urge to tug on Legolas' ears and hair. I was wondering if maybe I'd been abducted by some crazy Hollywood executive and dropped on the set of "Lord of the Rings: The Curse of the Mary Sue", or some sick reality TV show, testing the morality of young teenage girls.

Which, of course, would have me screwed - literally. Orlando Bloom is the hottest man on the planet. All morals surrender in his presence.

Legolas, however, did not seem to know this importance of having a personal space. I turned my head to the side and ducked, so his kiss landed up in my hair instead of on my lips. The result was that Legolas thought I was falling and took the opportunity to put his arm around my waist, and grabbed the two other horses by the reins, leading them out of the stable.

"My lady is shy." Legolas remarked suddenly, as if it had just occurred to him that a girl could be shy. As if no other girl who fell into Mirkwood had ever refused to be tumbled around in the hay before. Hell, I don't even know how I refused!

In fact, why should I be reluctant, if none of the other girls were? Here before me stood a beautiful elf, hot as hell and probably great in bed - not to mention kind and wise and gorgeous and respectful and handsome! Where on Earth would I find another male like that? Why shouldn't I just give in? I mean, not only would I be marrying the epitome of wonderfulness, but I'd also be a princess! And what girl doesn't dream of being a princess?

_Don't go there, Crystyna. Stay away from those dangerous Mary-Sue thoughts_. Laura thought to me, but rather half-heartedly. _Ever wonder what happened to those _other_ girls?_

I had the same thought at the same time, causing a weird echo in my head. But she - and I - was right. What did happen to the other 'beautiful maiden's' that 'graced Mirkwood'? I pulled away from Legolas rather abruptly. I would have to talk to Laura about this later.

_Hot bod_, was Laura's current thought that floated through my mind. I blinked._ Make that bods_, she amended. "Lau - LOTHUVIEL!" I shrieked and ran out. "LOTHUVIEL, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT ORGIES?!?" I bellowed, but the sight that I was met with was none that I could have imagined.

I'll tell you right now that it was nothing in the way of a ménage a trios. _No_, Laura thought, sending me a wicked grin. _But I can't say I'd decline_. I glared at her.

_Now who's having the Mary-Sueish thoughts? _ I demanded as she walked over to me. She had to walk around the shirtless and wrestling Elladan and Elrohir, both of them gloriously half naked and trying to smash each other to pieces.

"What is the meaning of this?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and not taking my eyes of the twins. SO gorgeous.

"Well, they were fighting." Laura said evasively. I snorted. "Over what? What could possibly make two full-grown male elves wrestle around like a bunch of -" But comprehension dawned on me even as Laura raised a hand rather sheepishly in the air.

I jumped as either Elladan or Elrohir was thrown by either Elrohir or Elladan, and rolled under me. Laura dragged me over by where her and the twins horses stood tethered.

"Please explain to me how they got to be so shirtless?" I said, talking to her but my eyes never leaving the twins, except to register that Legolas had finally emerged from the stables and was sprinting towards the Rivendell princelings, screaming his head off about frightening the maidens.

"Oooh, maybe he'll take his shirt off too!" Laura said hopefully, and I nodded dumbly in agreement. Laura shook her head and then snapped her fingers in front of my eyes to bring us back from whatever filthy thought was filling our minds. "Yeah, one of them challenged the other to a duel with me as the prize - arrogant bastard, who do they think I am, Helen of Troy? - and I couldn't let them fight with swords, could I? Because then there'd be blood and they could seriously injure each other." she answered her own question.

"So you suggested that they tear each other apart with their bare hands?" I asked. We both winced as Legolas' legs were kicked out from under him and he crashed onto his back. It was all I could do not to run over to him holding my dress up delicately in one hand and dropping to kneel beside him and press a gracefully gently hand to his brow as my raven hair swept over the both of us and I asked him breathlessly if he was alright.

Laura noticed this and grabbed my arm even as I tensed to spring into action in my Mary-Sueish flight.

Legolas seemed to be waiting for me as well, laying still on the ground for a few moments before picking himself up dejectedly only to be knocked back down as Elladan and Elrohir tumbled toward him, snarling.

"What should we do, Luna?" I asked, but she ran off towards the twins before she could answer, throwing herself heroically between them. I hurried over.

"Enough!" she proclaimed with her arms stretched out between them. "I cannot bear to be the cause of such strife between brothers!" she said, her voice sounding as if she were about to burst into tears. She lowered her arms and I ran over and grabbed her away before Elladan or Elrohir could start squabbling like old women over who would comfort her. Laura looked disgusted with herself at the words she'd just spoken.

We ran over to our horses and Laura managed to vault onto hers - I suppose because she'd had some skill with horses back in Regular Earth (she has a horse named Duke, which is incredibly unfair because _I_ want a horsie!!!!) She was off in a gallop with the twins scrambling to follow her.

I, however, managed to slam into Celebduin and fall down on my ass. The horse turned her head to look at me, and whinnied as if she was laughing. I heard gentle chuckling behind me and thought for a moment maybe she was laughing - but it turned out to be Legolas. He lifted me up as if I weighed nothing - which, most likely, I did - and held me the way a groom might hold his bride when walking over the threshold into their new house. He placed me lightly on Celebduin and sprang up next to me, holding me around the waist. Now, I'll have you know that I have been horseback riding no less than _twice_ in my lifetime - and I was fairly good at it. But now, it seemed, I was made to be the damsel in distress, and had to be held on the horse. Thankfully for Legolas he looked the way he did, and I didn't mind so much.

He unbraided my hair and pulled out pieces of hay while nudging Celebduin into a trot - man, was this elf multi-tasking or what? - as we followed the trail that Laura and the twins had made in the forest.

A/N: Whew, I didn't realize it was so long. It's not completely horrible, right??


	8. The Chase is On and Abruptly Over

Title: The Goddesses Of Orlyism

Author: Crystyna

Disclaimer: I do not own: ANY OF 'EM! Whahahah!

Author's Note: I keep neglecting my other stories…this one especially. Sorry about that, Luna!

As we rode through the forest I was quite aware that we probably looked exactly the way Arwen did in The Fellowship of the Ring. My hair was flying behind me and surprisingly it was not whipping Legolas in the face - instead he had positioned his head low over my shoulder, and had bent me forward so that I was pressed as close to Celebduin's neck as possible. I'm sure from where he was he had a perfect view right down my shirt, but at the moment I was loathed to mention it.

Mostly because I felt like I was going to fall off the horse.

It seemed amazing to me how far Elladan and Elrohir had traveled in the forest in so short a time, because Legolas and I must have been riding at the fastest gallop for about fifteen minutes before I could make even the vaguest shape of the twins from Imladris ahead of us.

"_Noro lim, _Celebduin!" Legolas said and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It's not as if Laura was in grave danger, and if she was, well, the twins would get there first. And from the way they were acting, Sauron himself could have threatened Laura and Elrond's brave sons would have kicked his ass all the way back to the Void, or wherever he was.

I could do nothing but hold on to poor Celebduin's mane as tightly as possible, riding with my eyes closed. Yeah, I'd been riding before, but we'd never gone faster than a trot! It was a dude ranch, for Iluvatar's sake, and the fake-cowboys wouldn't let us!

Legolas slowed Celebduin by what seemed like the force of his mind, because I didn't hear him say anything. He hopped lightly off the horse as if we hadn't just been riding at breakneck speeds through a forest, where I easily could have fallen if had he let go.

Of course, he wouldn't have let go of "so fair a maiden." I narrowed my eyes and pushed his arms away from my waist gently, not wanting to insult the dear Prince, but not exactly comfortable with him invading my personal space either. He made no notice of this and took my hand in his, with his other hand grabbing Celebduin's reins and leading me as forcefully as the horse over to where Elladan and Elrohir stood by Laura.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE VALAR WERE YOU THINKING, ELLADAN?" Elrohir roared, kneeling beside Laura who was evidently unconscious.

"Laur-Lothuviel!" I cried, running forward and kneeling on her other side.

__

Shut up, Tuna, I'm fine, she thought to me. _Well, then what the hell are you doing on the floor?_ I shot back. I saw her eyelids flutter and her lips twitch as she looked around with big eyes not two seconds later. I frowned. By now, Elrohir was on his feet and looking rather pink in the face from shouting at his brother, and Legolas was trying to intervene.

"If Elrond could see them now." I said, watching with an amused grin. Laura nodded. "They are such morons - Morha, how come we never knew they were such idiots?" she asked me. None of the elves took notice of us.

"Think we should run away?" I asked. Laura shook her head. "Nah, I can't get far. Busted my leg when I fell off of Bregol," she said. She laughed at the expression on my face. "Its not a big deal, but Elladan was getting too touchy-feely, if you know what I mean. He pulled his horse right up next to mine - innocent little me, I thought he wanted to talk."

"What did he do?"

"Well, he proposed about the same thing that Legolas did to you, except with different scenery." Laura said. "A roll in the hay, minus the hay." As chaste as she was trying to appear, a smug smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"So just a roll then, huh? It rocks, being a Mary-Sue, doesn't it?" I asked dreamily, staring at Legolas. Laura smacked me. "_We must not give in_." she hissed. I nodded, pinching my arm. Bad me.

"So, did Elladan feed you that whole, 'I would not dishonor you' crap?" I asked, watching as Legolas literally had to step between Elladan and Elrohir to keep them from jumping on each other again.

"The very same," Laura said. We watched the elves for a few more moments in silence.

"You know, they don't act very much like elves in a MS," I said. Laura rolled her eyes. "Oh please, the boys back home act more mature," she snorted. I sighed. "It's a bit depressing."

"Are you QUITE finished?" Laura said loudly, and all three elves were silent, turning to look at her a bit alarmed. Elladan walked over to Laura and knelt in front of her. I realized that whatever he had to say to her was probably not meant for my ears and as much as I wanted to stay and listen, I found myself walking away and looping arms with the remaining Princes, leading them away. Legolas followed quite willingly, but to guide Elrohir took a couple of yanks on my part.

_We have got to get to the bottom of this_. I wasn't sure whether it was my thought or Laura's as we headed out of the forest and back to the palace thing to which were so cordially invited.

A/N: Short. I know. I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, Luna.


	9. Laura's Startling Revelations

Disclaimer: Don't own.

A/N: Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had the slightest idea where to go with this story…do I want it to be mindless and funny, or have some semblance of a plot? Oy…

"And _then_ he told me how honored he would be if I would accompany him to the _Ball_ tonight! A_gain!_" Laura griped, yanking a comb through her hair. Or trying too. Her now waist-length silvery blonde hair had not one tangle in it, a fact that seemed to irritate my friend to no avail. I sighed and walked over to her dresser, surveying the contents on the counter sullenly.

"Well, it can't be all _that_ bad," I said half-heartedly.

"_THAT BAD!" _She practically shrieked with indignation. "It's terrible! An abomination. An abomination? JEBUS what is _happening_ to us, Morha? Christina! Crystyna! Tuna! God DAMN it."

"What are you _so_ upset about?" I asked. I was rather pleased with the fact that Legolas has asked me to be his date-thing (do they call them "dates" in Middle Earth) for tonight's Ball. Another Ball. We had one _yesterday_, didn't we? And the day before that, and the day before that, and nearly every night since the day Laura and I dropped in on Legolas in the forest. Quite literally. And if it wasn't a Ball, it was a feast. Or some elf's birthday. Or some elf's wedding, or engagement, or bloody coronation!

Well, we hadn't actually been to a coronation yet.

It was quite wonderful, actually, if a bit redundant. Every night Laura and I would have some fine dresses picked out for us by our two little demure maids. One was named Idrial, and the other named Cerial. Cerial didn't know why Laura and I cracked up when she introduced herself. The fact that in _our_ earth she's a breakfast food soared right over her head.

Anyway, so far Laura and I had been through twenty-eight dinner gowns altogether. Twenty-eight! It's insane. I don't even have that many pairs of jeans back home. And every night our hair was styled in a different way, and we were given many different choices of perfume. Granted, each perfume was the scent of a different flower, and they were things like "moonflower blossom" and "luster leaf petal." You get the idea.

Each night Legolas accompanied me to a clearing where the Elves danced and sang under an oddly large moon. If the moon wasn't out, the stars shone all the brighter, and there were torches and incense and the scent of venison to fill the forest. Amazingly enough, with everything that Laura and I had eaten each night, we seemed to gain not a pound.

Quite frankly, it was disturbing. Or it was beginning to be so. But I was enjoying the company of a certain elf far too much to notice. While he had stopped his attempts at bedding me, his courting did not decrease. And let me tell you, the courtship of an Elf - and Elf Prince, at that - is much more satisfactory than that of some horny human teenager.

"Precisely," Laura said suddenly.

"What?" I asked, shaking my head and sitting at my own white-wood carved dresser, running and ivory-tooth comb through my shiny, wavy dark hair. Laura rolled her eyes.

"Everything that's going on! Its just _wrong_. We're _fifteen_, Crystyna! And here we are, in Middle Earth, with the knock-out bodies of twenty-one year olds, with gorgeous centuries-old Elves drooling over us like we're some Victoria's Secret swimsuit models -"

"Actually, we're prettier than the swimsuit models, in that we don't look like we're dying…"

"Exactly! It's not natural. We must have lost fifteen pounds each once we got here - and our hair grew unnaturally long, and I have not had a pimple _or_ a cold since we got here!'

"And you're complaining why?"

"BECAUSE -"

"Exactly. You don't know why you're complaining. What could possibly go wrong because of this, Luna? Just enjoy it. Here were are, hot mama's with C-cup bras, with gorgeous beyond _gorgeous_ elves falling over themselves for us. We get to eat whatever the hell we want and not feel guilty about it. We get these spec_tac_ular dresses night after night - we're living like princesses. Goddesses! Varda, this is what I've wanted since I was a little girl -" Laura turned around from where she was sitting, her hair pulled over her shoulder in a column of silver. She raised an eyebrow at me suspiciously.

"What did you just say?" she asked.

"I said _Varda -_ oh. Oh no. I said Varda!"

"You did," Laura said bleakly. I swallowed hard. "You mean…we're actually _turning into_ Mary Sues?"

"'Fraid so," she answered, turning back to the mirror and glaring at it.

"No way. Prove it." I was in denial. There was no way I could be turning into a Mary-Sue. It would just ruin everything. Everything! How could I be happy with Legolas if the only reason he was enamored with me was because I was turning into some sickeningly perfect Mary Sue? I mean, every girl strives for perfection. But actually achieving it? Kind of puts a damper on things. Once you're perfect, there's nothing more to strive for. I looked in the mirror and saw my face, which seemed to glow a good few shades paler than the healthy olive I was used to - or the unhealthy, slightly anemic olive I was used to when I forget to take my vitamins. I looked whiter. That wasn't good. I was proud of my Hispanic-Italian heritage, Eru damn it!

"Fine, I'll prove it," Laura was saying. "_Antolle ulua sulrim_1_," _she muttered. I jumped up and glared at her, crossing my arms over my chest. "_Auta miqula orqu_2, moron!" I snapped back. She grinned nastily at me, "_Lasta lalaithamin_3foolish one."

"Foolish one! _Moi?_ _Dolle naa lost_4, Lothy!" I sneered back.

"Not so. I was the one who realized that we were turning into Mary Sues. And _I'm_ the one who's blonde, dearest," she pointed out, demurely fixing her skirt and then stopping abruptly and frowning at the mirror again.

"Oh, very good, _hodoea_5_" _I said sullenly. Then I blinked. "Were we just speaking in Elvish?" I asked her. She nodded slowly, a tiny smile on her lips. "But I don't _know_ Elvish!" I protested weakly. "_Now_ do you believe me?" she asked. I walked over to my bed slowly and sat down, gripping the edges of the comforter to still the shaking of my hands. Then I looked down at my hands and cursed.

"We have got to stop this Mary Sue-ness!" I cried, clenching my hands into fists in my lap. Laura nodded and sat down next to me. "But how?" she asked. I sighed and rubbed my forehead tiredly, then remembered that I had done nothing that would cause such exertion. I sat up straight and tried in vain to mess up my hair.

"We're just going to have to stop acting like Mary Sues, then," I said firmly. Laura nodded and walked over to where she kept her dagger. "Here goes," she said, gripping her hair in one hand and the dagger in the other. Before I could yell _N'ndengina ta_6Laura had swiped the blade clean across her hair, which floated softly to the ground and glittered there sadly. She ran a hand through her now jaw-length do' and grinned at me. "Whaddya think?"

"You look like a Barbie who's hair I chopped off once," I said faintly. Her grin widened. "Perfect!" she said happily, kicking the other foot and a half of hair underneath her bed. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my Barbie actually looked good with all her hair chopped off.

"Well, I guess that means I have to do something anti-Sueish too," I said glumly, thinking of how shell-shocked Legolas would be if I showed up to the Ball bald. Laura offered me her dagger. "Oh, Luna, don't make me cut my hair. Even in real Earth I'd been trying to grow it long!" I whined. She sighed. "Then what are you going to do?" she asked tiredly. I sat on the bed again and pondered.

"AHA!" I shouted suddenly, getting up and rushing over to the divider that separated our sleeping quarters from the wash room. A splash later, I emerged, with my hair sopping wet and what little make up I had applied smeared down my face.

"Very anti-Sue," Laura approved. I nodded, "Thank you, kind sir," I teased. She glared at me and absently fingered her now-short locks. Then came a knock on the door.

"That'll be our Princelings!" I said, hurrying over to the door and tearing it open in anticipation. There was no one there, only a note announcing that the Ball tonight had been cancelled, and all of the invited guests would be eating dinner in their quarters that night. Alone.

A/N: Okay, I think I've decided to try to weave in some sort of a plot with the madness. Enjoy and review, please!

1. Much wind pours from your mouth.

2. Go kiss an Orc.

3. Listen to my laughter.

4. Your head is empty.

5. Wise one.

6. Don't kill it!


	10. Mary Sleuths

Disclaimer: Don't own.

"Cancelled!" I snarled, loading my plate with my fourth helping of yet more mutton. Laura nodded sympathetically across the table that we had lugged outside to the balcony. Dragging the table - which was not very large to begin with - was a good deal harder than it should have been, but we both knew that if we had had to fight a few Orcs, we probably could have handled them easily. Depending on the writers, Sues were often very skilled in weaponry.

"It is definitely not a coincidence," Laura added, loading her fifth slab of meat onto her plate and, with a rather obvious look of disgust, digging in. We were attempting to gain back our normal weight - though both of us were quite happy with the bodies we had unnaturally achieved, we had decided to try to beat the system and see if we could un-Sue ourselves. It was just wigging us out, is all.

All we were succeeding in was making ourselves extremely sick of mutton. Or any other meat for that matter.

Laura shoved her plate away angrily. "I think I'm gonna hurl," she said. I pushed my plate away too, just in case. "This is too unreal," I said, folding my hands over my stomach, which _felt_ full but was still in its odd minute size. Laura just tugged absently on her hair.

"D'you realize that weird things have been happening less and less?" I asked, smoothing my skirts as I stood up to go back into our quarters. I pulled out a nightgown and went to stand behind my screen, changing leisurely and pulling on a light blue silk robe. Laura was standing by the balcony now and looking down, holding a delicate white flower that she had picked from the vines that decorated the marble railing. The forest floor was a good distance below us, but she seemed to be staring out at something anyway.

"What weird things?"

"Oh, I don't know. Elizabeth Swann falling out of the sky and getting impaled on some random branch springs to mind; the fact that Legolas seems to have forgotten we told him we were 'goddesses of Americien' as soon as we saw him," I said, joining her. She was looking at the twins, who were having an archery contest in the midst of the dark forest. The moon was hiding behind some clouds tonight, else it was not visible from our rooms.

"That is strange," she said, but it was distant that I knew she wasn't really listening. I turned to her and saw that the necklace I had found in my bag upon falling into Middle Earth was glowing. At first it seemed like a dull glow, hardly noticeable and had the moon been out I wouldn't have been able to see it at all, but I saw nonetheless. I looked at Laura's face; her eyebrows were drawn in concentration as she looked back and forth from Elladan to Elrohir. I stared, and realized what she was thinking even without her voice echoing in my head.

__

I don't know who to choose. Valar, what shall I do? I do not want to hurt either one of them…I reached out quickly and grabbed the necklace off her neck, its clasp breaking against her neck as a pulled.

"_Tampa! Tanya arwa!_1," Laura yelled angrily, holding her hand out for the necklace. "_Dina_2 Lothuviel. Laura. Listen to me. Your necklace was glowing -"

"So WHAT!"

"It was glowing at the exact moment you were pondering over which _twin_ to choose, Laura! And -" I grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the mirror. "Look at your hair! Its short, but its perfectly even. Not even the keenest blade could do that. Listen to _me!_" I yelped, yanking off my necklace as well and seeing its glow fade. "_Keenest blade_," I sneered, throwing both the necklaces into the drawer of the dresser.

Laura was still glaring at me, but it was halfhearted now. "Think, Laura. Was my necklace glowing earlier? When I tried to convince you that it was no big deal that we were turning into Sues?" I asked, trying to piece things together in my mind. Laura huffed away to pull on her nightgown.

"I can't remember," she said sullenly, sitting down gracefully on her bed. I paced back in forth in front of her, and then paced some more over to the balcony, closing the doors. The nights in Mirkwood were often chilly, especially when the moon was hidden.

"Why?" she scoffed. "Do you think the necklaces are what's turning us into Mary Sues?" Then she blinked and looked up at me. "The _necklaces_!" she said breathlessly. I nodded. "The necklaces." I paused. "How _bloody_ cliché! Who's _writing_ this crap?" I asked the ceiling. Laura muttered her agreement.

"Which once again leads me to ask what the hell are we going to do?" I said, sitting on my own bed and picking up some embroidery, stitching in silence as Laura and I began to think.

"First off, you're going to stop _that_," Laura said, gesturing to the embroidery. I stifled a gasp and chucked it across the room. "Good plan," I said, lighting the candle that stood on the nightstand separating my large four poster bed from Laura's. "Any ideas?" she asked, flopping back (but gracefully so) to stare up at the silky sheer fabric that hung as her canopy. I studied the intricate carving of the wood on each post of my bed, running my fingers over the leaves and flowers and vines that decorated it. I moved to sit on my bed and braided my hair back mindlessly. I then realized how Elf-like the braid must have looked and undid it, settling for two plain pigtails instead.

"Well, we obviously can't wear those necklaces any more. They only add to our total transformation…"

"I sense a 'but' coming," Laura said, turning on her side and playing with the crystal statues that were placed on our night table, never to collect dust in this perfect alternate universe. Unless we as perfect little elf-maids were called upon to dust furniture, which we wouldn't be, as we were the honored guests of Prince Legolas.

"But somehow I have the feeling that not wearing the necklaces won't stop us from turning into Mary Sues," I answered glumly. "Why do you say that?" she asked. "Remember that freaky shiny stuff that fell on us when Elladan and Elrohir were leading us down to meet Thranduil?" I asked. Part of me was still wondering why I even wanted to keep from turning into a Mary Sue.

"Me too," Laura said, agreeing with me. I sighed and slid under the covers. "Because, if we turn into Sues then we stop being…well, us. And that means that all the courtship and petty feelings -"

"And eventually _marriage_?"

" - with, or to, Legolas or Elladan or Elrohir is all fake," I finished. Laura bit her lip thoughtfully. "Maybe not. I mean, we'd still _be_ here…"

"Would we?" I pointed. "You're right. Where would _we_ go? Back in regular Earth, Mary Sues don't exist naturally, not without a lot of work. And we _do_ have faults…"

"Minimal as they are," I teased.

"Very true," she grinned. "But us…the crazy Lord-of-the-Rings-Goddesses-of-Orlyism Luna and Tuna…where would we go?"

"That's a scary thought," I said, shuddering. "Not only that…but we _fell_ here. What the hell's going on back at regular Earth?" We fell silent, neither of us wanting to fathom what could be going on. Our parents could think we were kidnapped, they could be falling apart. They could think that we ran away and they could be blaming themselves. They could even think we'd been killed. Laura shivered, and I knew that she was listening to my thoughts, or thinking along the same lines.

"They never write about that in the fanfics," she said quietly. I blinked. "Laura, you're a genius!"

"I know."

"Shaddup! You are! Remember what Thranduil said? That we are just _' yet another -"_

"pair of maidens fallen from the sky!' That _prick,_" she grumbled. "Exactly. If something like this has happened before…"

"We just have to find out to whom, when, and where. Presumably here," Laura said, determined. "And what happened to them," I added. "And what happened to them," she nodded. We shuddered again.

"Well, they must have records of it. A library?" I suggested. "Tomorrow," Laura said, yawning. I rolled over to blow out the candle, and, still stuffed with mutton, we both fell asleep.

A/N: Another update. I'm makin' it up to you guys. Review, please.

1. Stop! That hurts!

2. Be silent.


	11. The Library

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: I don't understand why the genre of my stories changes in the middle. This _was_ humor, but now its getting more to be more of a mystery? Action/adventure, later on…and fantasy. Oh well. I'm sorry if its less funny. I think I'm getting more sarcastic than guffaw "look at those two weird girls dancing like sluts to the Divinyls," ya know? Enjoy!

Laura and I woke up early the next morning (if you consider noon early) and were still stuffed from the six pounds of meat we each ate. That didn't stop us from running down to the kitchens, however, for a light breakfast of soup-in-a-bread-bowl. We didn't know if we were allowed to take our breakfast into the library, so we opted for heading out to the stables and sitting on the steps leading in, enjoying the cool morning - oh, alright, _afternoon - _air.

"I always dreamed of being somewhere like this," I said quietly, listening as the horses snorted quietly to themselves. The stable was warm inside, so our backs were warm, but the wind was sending Laura's hacked of locks about her face. My hair was braided back and hanging over my shoulder. Laura nodded and grinned through mouthfuls of steaming vegetable soup.

"It's incredible. Even _brussel sprouts_ taste good here," I said.

"It's Brussels sprouts," Laura said thickly, looking up.

"Excuse me?"

"Brussels. Don't piss the man off, Tuna," she warned. I raised an eyebrow. "And WHOA! There are Brussels sprouts in this?" she yelped, staring at the soup. I ripped a piece of my bread bowl off and popped it in my mouth, chewing slowly. "Mm-hmm."

Laura looked at her soup doubtfully. "Are you sure? Because usually they make me hurl," she told me. I rolled my eyes. "Then we're extremely lucky we're in Middle Earth," I said dryly. She shoved me so hard that my soup bowl went spinning out of my hands and flipped end over end until it landed right-side-up. Laura and I looked at each other, wide-eyed.

"How about that library now, eh?" she said. I nodded, and we set off to find the place of many books.

1

"I don't get it…even in the worst Mary-Sues, the Mary-Sues and their respective lovers were the only perfect ones…so why is everything else morphing in this disgustingly precise dimension?" I asked. Laura looked grim. "Maybe we're infecting everything," she said glumly. We were walking through the palace, which actually resembled more of a manor, now that I thought about it. After all, forests weren't the most appropriate places for palaces to just spring up. Then again, where we were staying was a very far cry from anything I'd ever seen built by human hands, movie or real life or whatever.

"You think they'd put a sign around here, right?" I grumbled, growing increasingly nervous as we walked through the many halls. They all looked identical, I'll have you know. Eventually we came to a door that was larger than the others, and more intricately carved with symbols, vines, flowers, and the like. In fact, the center of the door was designed with a scroll, and the handles were in the shapes of large quills.

"I'm thinking this _isn't_ the kitchen," Laura said thoughtfully, pulling open a door cautiously. We made our way in, looking around. The room was huge. It was too big to be called a room, actually. More like a building of its own. There were stacks and stacks of books, at least twenty feet high. There were no windows to be seen - during our stay in Mirkwood, we hadn't yet seen it rain, but apparently it does, and King Thranduil doesn't want his records to be ruined. The room smelled musty, like a library is supposed to feel, and much more preferable to the disgusting mix of air conditioner lint and body odor that was the fragrance of the library back on Regular Earth that I was familiar with.

"Wow," I said softly. "I could live here." Laura shot an odd look my way. I grinned, "I like reading," I said sheepishly, shrugging. Across the room and to my left there was a gilded arch and from it hung a translucent curtain. Past the curtain I assumed would be a room for writing. I placed a finger to my lips and lifted up the front of my skirt so I wouldn't step on it as we made our way through the library. I didn't particularly want to come face to face with Legolas at the moment. He might be looking for some nookie in the library, and as tempting as it was, I didn't think it would be a wise move.

"Where should we start?" Laura asked. I shrugged again. "Let's split up. I don't know if elves have their own fantasy novels - why would they need to? - and I'm willing to bet that most of this stuff is history…"

"That is a helluva lot of history. I'm glad I don't have to go to Mirkwood High, or something," Laura said, raising an eyebrow. I snorted. "Alright…I'll check out Mirkwood history. You check out Rivendell. Look for stuff that might mention visitors to the realms…they _can't_ have ignored random teenagers dropping from the sky," I said, pulled toward the shelves of books like a moth to a flame.

"Yeah…random teenage girls in various states of undress," Laura muttered, remembering how we had both fallen in wearing tank tops and pajama bottoms. I blinked, wondering why the elves seemed to have forgotten that - and where our old clothes went!

__

Doesn't matter, Laura thought. _I never liked those PJs anyway._

None of the scrolls were written in any language that I'd ever seen before, but oddly enough I could read everything. Unfortunately, stuff like this no longer surprised me. _Hmph. If only I could do so well in German,_ Laura thought idly. I couldn't see her anymore, and I assumed she was on the other side of the library, busily researching away.

Most of the histories had to do with Sauron and the War of the Ring, or Morgoth before him. If I wasn't so distracted by my own problem - fading away and being replaced by a stupid Mary Sue - I would have stayed to read them all. This stuff read like a textbook, though, and I was quickly becoming distracted, even though it was far from boredom. Elvish history is a lot more interesting than Earth history, I'll tell you that. As much as Laura's thoughts proclaimed weariness and worry over what was going to happen to us, I myself was a history buff. I'd read the Silmarillion more than I'd read the Lord of the Rings, and back at home I'd had _tons_ of books on ancient cultures and myths.

Thinking about home got me worried again, and I started to flip through scrolls with more fervor. There was nothing, however, on two weird girls falling from the sky and rubbing shoulders with the crowns of Mirkwood. _Any luck?_ I thought to Laura, but her mind was clearly elsewhere. Perhaps asleep. I sighed and placed all the scrolls and books back where they had come from, giving up for a time and sitting on the floor with my head resting on my knees. I examined the edges of my deep blue down listlessly, wishing the right book would jump out and bite me on the nose.

"Might I be of some assistence, my lady?" a voice asked out of the silence, causing me to squawk and leap to my feet. Gracefully, I might add.

"Pardon me, but have we met?" I asked, blinking at this new stranger. He (of course it would be a he) was tall and elflike, with long blond hair that was loose around his shoulders. I took in his hairstyle with a bit of surprise - it was strange to see and elf without the braids. I wondered if he was an Elvish rock star or something. Then again, remembering the lovely little songs that were sung at the festivals, I doubted very much elves even had rock stars. They might even be allergic to them.

"Forgive me, my lady; my name is Elu Calmcacil," he said. _Oh, great. Enter the stalker,_ I thought meanly. But Elu Calmcacil didn't seem mean. He had kind dark brown eyes that looked rather concerned for me at the moment. "How are you faring, my lady? You seem to be a bit under the weather," he said. He had a deep, soft voice, and as he offered to help me up I saw he had large, calloused hands that looked as if they'd seen many years hard work. Well, of course they did, he was a hunter, after all. I smiled and took his hand as he hauled me to my feet.

"Were you looking for something?" he asked politely. "Oh! No…well, yes, I was, but it's of precious little importance. I was just about to leave, actually. Someone probably just borrowed the book I was looking for, is all," I said nervously. Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir were one thing, but I didn't want to be in the presence of some strange elf, in a secluded library. With a difficult means of escape and hardly any knowledge of self defense. Elves weren't generally known for their cruelty, quite the contrary, but it was evident that Laura and I were in a Mary Sue; and strange OC elves had that habit of being depraved sexual predators.

That and the fact that I watched a helluva lot more Law and Order: SVU at home than was actually healthy. Makes an impressionable fifteen year old paranoid.

"Would you like me to accompany you back to your suite, then, my lady?" he asked, still as polite as ever, even refraining from attempting to touch me. I coughed and ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nervous. "No, that's quite alright. I'm sure you have a lot more important things to do…I'll just find my sister and be heading to bed," I said, even managing to smile a bit. I don't usually get nervous like this around men, even pretty ones like Elu was, and I didn't feel threatened. But something felt wrong, and the dim light of the library (apparently, elves don't need sufficient light to read) wasn't helping matters any.

"As you wish, my lady," he said, bowing and turning to go. "Master Calmcacil!" I called quietly, and he turned around as he heard my voice. "Please, call me Morharmaiel," I said. He smiled and nodded briefly, turning and vanishing out of my sight.

1.

"So this hunter just walks up and you decide to _flirt_ with him?" Laura asked, sounding intrigued. I glared at her, still thumbing through random books and hoping the word "girl" jumped out at me. "I didn't flirt - I actually thought he was one of those Sue Stalkers. You know? Every Sue's got one, and we're quick on our way to becoming full blown portraits of perfection." I began to flip through pages more hurriedly.

Laura was sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall, with a book open on her lap. Her dress, blue like my own if slightly more ornate, was spread out around her ala Belle from _Beauty and the Beast._

"Oh, right. And you just happen to go around all 'Please, call me Morha,' to potential stalkers. Wise move," she said bluntly. I felt my face get hot. "I don't think he's a stalker, though, Laura. He didn't seem skeevy at all. He actually seemed…kind of nice," I said, snapping yet another disappointment shut and spinning around to sit. I cradled my chin with my fingertips, disgusted at the lack of help this huge library was.

"So, are we talking potential love interest?" she asked, warming up to the subject. I sighed. "You know we can't do any of that," I said. She nodded, the smile slipping off her face. "We just have to focus on finding out what we can about the other girls. I have a feeling we probably won't like it." The feeling of dread that I felt since meeting Elu Calmcacil was increasing steadily, although that might have been the depressing atmosphere of this library. Perhaps libraries needed body odor and broken computers in order to be comforting, but I doubted we'd find any of those here.

"And then we have to find a way back…" Laura was saying. I nodded. "What a shame. I like it here. I at least want to try using a sword before we leave…"

"_If_ we ever get the chance to leave." I was worried, and Laura was quickly catching on. "Yeah. But cheer up. It's not like this is the worst place to be."

"Right," I said, grinning at her. She grinned back. "I mean, we're surrounded by totally hot guys, we look like supermodels, and we get all these pretty clothes," she said, ticking each advantage off on her fingers, unadorned of any jewelry since we had discovered our theory about the necklaces. She raised a hand to her jaw-length locks, touching them distractedly. The princelings had yet to see them. She leaned back against the wall and gave a small cry when it failed to support her. In fact, the wall seemed to be shifting in. Laura leapt away from it and scurried over to me, as a narrow passageway was revealed. The wall gave way to steep steps, but they didn't go very far. I could vaguely make out a dance of candlelight towards the bottom.

"What do we have hear?" Laura breathed as both of us stared wide-eyed at the unexpected doorway. _Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tuna?_ she thought to me.

__

Apparently, I thought back dryly. If the library couldn't help us…well, maybe these weren't _all_ the books that Mirkwood had to offer.

A/N: Hurray for summer vacation. Hope you enjoyed this chapter (I know, I know…not as interesting/funny as the others.) Review, please!


	12. In the Secret Passageway

Disclaimer: Don't own.

"Should we go in?" Laura asked nervously. We were still sitting side by side, opposite the new hole in the library wall. I crossed my arms over my chest and squinted into the secret passage, trying to get a better view of what was down there to no avail.

"Well, I don't think we'll get killed. After all, neither of us has slept with an elven prince yet," I replied, getting to my feet and straightening my skirts automatically. My hands froze and I looked over at Laura, who was busy doing the same thing.

"_Right?_" I asked. She looked up, confused. "What?"

"_Neither_ of us has slept with an elven prince?"

"God, Crystyna, of course! Just because I _look_ like a bimbo thanks to that crap that fell on our heads doesn't mean I _am_ one!" she snapped. I shrugged and brushed my hair back over my shoulder, picking my skirt up off the ground as I headed forward down the stairs. "Just making sure…" I said distractedly.

"Yeah, well, you'd be the first to know, _sis_." Laura sounded disgruntled and with a heavy sigh she followed me into the secret passage. With a rumbling, the wall closed behind us, leaving us in complete darkness.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Laura yelped. I whimpered my agreement, my hands going out to brace the narrow walls surrounding us. My legs froze and Laura was right behind me, practically breathing down my neck. "Back up!" I whispered. "Lean against the wall, maybe it'll let us out." I seriously had my doubts, though, and was proven correct when Laura let out a desperate groan. "We're stuck," she told me. It seemed the only way to go was down, towards the dim flickering candle light.

"Remind me to never follow you again," Laura muttered behind me as I crept cautiously down the stairs. "Stay here then!" I bit back, agitated. She sighed and I heard soft footfalls behind me, letting me know that she was following anyway. The stairs were a lot steeper than they had seemed from up in the safe confines of the library, so we traveled as slowly as possible, but before long we reached the bottom.

The stairs gave way to a large room lit by candles and torches. It was cool and almost dank; Laura and I both shivered and I found myself wishing I had brought my cloak with me. The room itself looked a bit like the library, except of course with fewer books. I wondered, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, if we had stumbled into the King's private drawing room. Thranduil didn't seem to be a very friendly guy - although, I'm sure Laura might beg to differ.

__

Shut up, Tuna! Laura hissed inside my head. I smiled thinly and noticed with a start that we weren't alone in the room.

What we saw was vaguely unexpected. We expected to see Gandalf, and hear from him some cryptic message about a quest we were to embark on. Instead, we were met by three women who sat scattered throughout the space. I swallowed hard. Clearly, we were somewhere we weren't supposed to be, although none of the women seemed surprised.

The first woman sat cloaked in gold with a spinning wheel in front of her. Her hair was a deep red-gold, which caused me to wonder if she was an elf at all, or just another maiden that had fallen into Mirkwood. I'd never seen an elf with red hair before. She sat calmly weaving, but there seemed to be a problem with her device, as there it often got caught and the threads ripped. I heard her sigh under her breath and cluck her tongue as she set about the task of removing whatever threads had ripped and unweaving whatever cloth she was making. She looked up and met my eyes with her own blue ones and I shivered. If she wasn't an elf, it seemed she wasn't a human either, because her eyes were stranger. Her eyes were the eyes of someone extremely powerful, almost otherworldly. Almost like Galadriel's, who, Laura reminded me, we hadn't even met yet.

She lowered her eyes slowly and concentrated again on her task of weaving. Her long pale fingers worked quickly and adeptly, as if weaving was something she was quite used to and very skilled at. It didn't explain why the thread kept getting caught, though.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, realizing that they must have noticed by now that we'd been stuck staring silently, too shocked to move. "We didn't mean to intrude - we were just in the library, and the w-wall opened up," Laura added, stammering. There was something extremely unsettling about these three women.

"You do not belong here," a different woman said, not the weaver. She was sitting before a fireplace, whittling a small piece of wood with a surprisingly plain looking dagger. I blinked and Laura looked indignant.

"Well, we did apologize," she said sourly, and I nudged her in the side. She glared at me and then looked at the lady's dagger. Laura's face paled and she quickly let her arms slide from where they'd been perched on her hips. "But you're right, we shouldn't be here. So sorry." I let a long breath escape my lips, wishing that we hadn't been so stupid as to walk through a secret passageway. It only leads to meeting three freaky women with spinning needles and daggers.

Speaking of dagger lady, she was just as lovely as the weaver. She had long dark hair (because everyone's hair is long in Middle Earth) that was hanging freely in waves that were almost curls, and was wearing a deep green dress that was divided for riding. Her petticoats were a dusty red-brown, like the feathers of a hawk. She met my eyes with her own big, doe eyes; a deep insightful brown much darker than my own. A smile chased her lips, but she turned quickly back to whatever it was she was whittling, seemingly consumed by it and quite content to ignore Laura and I.

"What my sister means," the third woman said, "is that you do not belong in Mirkwood. You do not belong in Middle Earth at all." I felt another chill run through me and felt suddenly threatened.

"Who are you?" I asked rudely before I could stop myself, my voice petulant as a child's. Laura made a sound of warning in the back of her throat, but I was too frightened and too on edge to care. The third woman, who was sitting with a box of herbs on her lap, ignored my tone. Her sleeves were pushed up, a delicate translucent gray that seemed to shimmer in the dim light. The rest of her gown was gray as well, the bodice embroidered with delicate flowers. Her skin was pale and her long blond hair, resembling what Laura's once was before she hacked it off, was braided back and out of the way. Her eyes were strange, a gray so mixed with blue that the seemed a different color entirely - violet. She was selecting herbs very carefully and placing them into to tiny black satchels attached to strings like they were meant to be necklaces.

"My name is Estë ," she said. "These are my sisters, Vairë " she indicated the weaver, "and Nessa," the whittler. I frowned; for some reason, they're names were incredibly familiar to me. Everything about them was familiar, actually, but I couldn't quite place where I was remembering them from.

"Have we met?" I asked slowly. Estë smiled again and shook her head, her hands never pausing as she added more and more to the tiny satchels. "Where are you from?" My mouth tends very often to get away with me.

__

Tuna, don't you think its quite about time you stop interrogating these women? Laura asked nervously. I shook my head at her as discreetly as I could, but Vairë looked up and met my eyes. "Quite a talent you have there," she said to Laura.

"Excuse me?" Laura asked, steeling her voice so that it didn't tremble. I couldn't find a reason to explain why three seemingly harmless women had us so fidgety, but something about them reeked of power and so Laura and I were treading cautiously. Or at least Laura was.

__

I never met a mortal who could talk like this before, Vairë 's voice came into our heads. I saw Laura's eyes grow wide as mine surely must have been doing. _To find _two_ nonetheless,_ the weaver's voice continued, _quite a discovery._

"Where are you from?" Nessa framed her question just when I was too shocked to remember that I had asked first. "The Blue Mountains," I said shakily. Nessa smiled and put her dagger down next to the piece of wood that was quickly resembling a deer. She walked over to me and lifted my chin with cool fingers. "You must forgive us," she said softly, no trace of malice or mockery in her face. "We did not mean to frighten you girls so, but we hadn't expected to be seeing you so soon. If at all."

"Please, come sit," Estë suggested calmly, going over to the fireplace and pulling a kettle from where it had been heating up. Nessa led us to two chairs where we could sit. Estë handed us tea which she had presumably prepared with her own herbs. It smelled sweet and minty, but neither Laura or I took a sip.

"Do not worry, I won't have poisoned it," Estë said, as if reading our minds. I opened my mouth to say something and found I had nothing to say. Estë sighed and took the cup from me, taking a sip of it before handing it back. "See?" I nodded and drank the tea slowly. It warmed me quickly and calmed me down enough so that my heartbeat was only twice its normal rate instead of quadruple it. Laura seemed to be waiting for Estë to prove that her tea wasn't poisoned either, which she did quickly.

"Now," Vairë said, her hands finally becoming still as she set down her spinning wheel, "would you mind explaining why two girls from America claim to be from the Blue Mountains of Middle Earth?"

A/N: Oooh, plot twist. I will give a cookie to the person who identifies _who_ our three lovely new ladies are. Review!


	13. The Queens of the Valar

Disclaimer: Don't own.

Author's Note: SO here I am, listening to Ewan McGregor singing "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge, and writing about life in the freakishly perfect Mirkwood. Oy, and I'm ecstatic, because told me in a review that it reminds her of the freakishly perfect place in Big Fish (Ewan oh-so-sexy McGregor was in Big Fish.) You don't know how much that made my day. Seriously. I wasn't even thinking about Big Fish when I wrote this! I was thinking of this little place that I go to in my nightmares called Mary-Sueland.

-Yeah, the princelings were getting to be a little overbearing, right? whacks them

-And you are absolutely 100 right. Este, Nessa, and Vaire are the three of the seven Queens of the Valar. hands over massive Ewan McGregor sized cookie Hey…I want to keep that cookie for myself!

"What did you say?" the words were out of my mouth before I could swallow them and Laura let out a little moue of worry. _Good job, Tuna. "These women reek of power" - so you go around being a rude little -_

"I can understand why you both would be frightened, but I promise you - you have nothing to fear from us," Nessa smiled again, looking perfectly friendly. I took another deep steadying breath, and heard Laura do the same next to me. Nessa exchanged a look with her two friends and I knew they were speaking to each other in their minds. It didn't seem fair to me that they could say whatever they pleased behind the closed doors of their mind, and yet when Laura and I did the very same they could hear us as if we'd spoken aloud.

"First of all, you are perfectly capable of guarding your thoughts as we do, you merely need to try," Vairë said sharply, causing Laura and I to flinch. Estë looked at her rather severely, and the expression on her face clearly portrayed that she was telling Vairë to mind her manners and her mouth.

"My sister, such as she is, is right. We don't mean to frighten you, but we feel we must warn you. Terrible things are taking root in Mirkwood, and they shall soon spread to cover Middle Earth," Estë said. Vairë scowled, looking rather like a spoiled princess, until Estë acknowledged her with a nod.

"I assume you want to first know your part in all this," Vairë said dryly. I raised an eyebrow, my dislike for the woman temporarily replacing my fear. Laura was growing impatient as well. Neither of us dealt with fear in productive ways, as was certainly evident now. "First, I think I'd like to know who the hell you are," Laura said nastily. Mentally I gave her a high-five.

"I was under the impression that we had already introduced ourselves. You, however, have not returned the favor." Vairë was just as snippy. She looked like the beginnings of a thunder-head, her red-gold eyebrows drawing together unpleasantly as she wrenched a tangled part of her weaving out and held it over a flame. I swallowed hard, vaguely remembering something from a book I'd read long ago in a different dimension. _Vairë the Weaver…_ I couldn't place the significance of her name anywhere, however, which could quite possibly end up being my downfall. I did know, however, that I'd never heard of a Vairë, or an Estë or Nessa anywhere in the Lord of the Rings trilogy or the Hobbit, which just left the Books of Lost Tales and the Silmarillion.

Then again, I hadn't really been able to get through the Lost Tales I and II at all. Which just left me with the Silmarillion to go by.

And the Silmarillion was about the forming of Middle Earth, the gods, goddesses, demi-gods…the Valar.

__

No. Way. Laura thoughts were nervous and flittering, much like the butterflies that were quickly turning to lead in my stomach. _Calm down. There is no way they could be the Valar Queens. The Valar hardly even made themselves known during the War of the Ring, why would they come to see _us_? That doesn't even happen in the worst Mary-Sues…_I clenched my hands in my lap and tried not to look at the flames consumed the fragile thread that Vairë held over it. Supposedly, she weaved everything that ever had been into tapestries or something of the like that decorated the Halls of Mandos. I shuddered to think what would happen if those weavings were burned - and hoped fervently that the spinning wheel she was seated at now was only symbolic.

"Your names, children," Estë said kindly. I decided that for my own sanity I would believe that these women were not the Valar Queens, but rather some astonishingly beautiful heretics that just dressed up like that and assumed their names.

"Laura." It seemed that Laura had decided that it would be no used lying to these women, as they already knew about America. I sighed, conceding to her point and giving my name as well. "You see," Vairë said, the mockery in her voice held down to a bare minimum. "That wasn't so bad."

"How did you get here?" Nessa asked us, looking rather witheringly at Vairë behind her back. Laura and I exchanged uncomfortable glances - it would sound entirely false if we told her that we had simply laid down to sleep one night and ended up falling from the sky. Then again, that did seem to be rather routine for Mirkwood, so maybe they would understand. "We…fell here," I said anxiously, meeting Nessa's eyes. She grinned impishly and bobbed her head. "That is often the case, I believe," was her answer. Laura shifted in her seat. "Wait…so if girls just happen to crash here so often, how is it the elves haven't seen a pattern? I mean, they certainly seem to remember," she said.

"Not only that - do you know what's been happening to us since we got here?" I asked Nessa, who I liked more than the other two. Vairë just seemed mean and Estë was kind of disconcerting with the way she stared so hard at you with her strange violet eyes. Nessa was the only one that seemed normal, like someone I'd be comfortable being friends with.

"We have heard of what happens to the girls who come here, but we have never seen it," Estë said. Always with the "we." She reminded me of a certain emaciated gray former-hobbit that just happened to fall into a puddle of lava. "Yeah…we're like different people now. If you'd seen us when we got here compared to now…" Estë shook her head slightly.

"You are not different people. The mind is still the same. You surprise us, the both of you. First, the girls that have come to Mirkwood rarely come to the library. Secondly, we have never been found here. We have never been sent here by, technically speaking, what you would call 'Fate,' because we were never needed. You two certainly are strange," she finished.

"Excuse me but come again?" Laura said, chewing her lip nervously. I nodded. Nessa smiled. "Estë you have spent too much time sleeping. These girls are scared and confused and if you try to tell them too much at once, they'll never be able to accept it."

"Girls have been falling through time and ending up somewhere or another in Middle Earth for many years, although there has been a noticeable increase lately," Vairë started, with the air of someone who would much rather be someplace else. Weaving, perhaps.

__

The movies, Laura thought to me, and we shared a grin. For the first time since we'd met them, the trio looked rather confused. Vairë looked as if she was about to open her mouth and complain, but Estë silenced her with a strict look and shake of her head. Nessa decided to continue the story. "The girls tend to end up wherever their personality suits them - or, if you will, wherever their hearts' desire. Some go to Imladris, some to Rohan and some to Gondor. Some even go to the Shire or the Grey Havens, although that is very rare. Often, of late, girls have been falling into Mirkwood and Lothlorien."

__

Legolas and Haldir, Laura thought to me. I bit the inside of my cheeks to keep from laughing, but this time the three women did sense our thoughts. Estë smiled faintly, Nessa laughed outright, and Vairë's lips pursed into a thin, disapproving line.

__

Well, it definitely wouldn't be Celeborn, now would it? Galadriel would have a conniption! Laura snorted to herself. Vairë sighed a long-suffering sigh and went back to untangling the threads. Well, let her, the old maid.

Her head shot up and I struggled to somehow find a way to guard my thoughts before they got my into trouble. "I doubt you could truly guard your thoughts from me, little one," she said lowly. I trembled against my will and dropped my eyes from her flashing blue gaze.

"You must excuse my sister. You see, we are very worried, Vairë more than Nessa or myself. As the Weaver, she is sometimes gifted with glances into the future. There has never been a problem with the threads before, but now it seems there is…" Estë trailed off, looking worriedly at Vairë. "We do not know what is causing it, but it started just after you arrived here."

Oh, great. Psyho goddesses thought we were screwing up their world. Vairë glared at me again and I cleared my throat and looked at my hands. "We do not think it is directly related to you - we have been sent here to watch you, and we detect no ill-will in your souls. You may a victim of this event just as surely as Middle Earth will be," Nessa said. Not quite so encouraging, but it was good to know Laura and I were not going to be the scapegoats here.

"We know the strange things that have been happening to you since you've arrived here," Estë said. "There has been a change in your physical appearance, but also in some ways your minds have been altered as well." That made me shudder. She spoke in such a soft voice, a bit like Arwen thought slightly higher pitched, that it was creepy enough. As soon as she said something about mind altering, I wanted out of that room, and fast. Laura agreed with me fully.

"You have discovered the role of the amulets in this." Vairë's words were more of a statement than a question and Laura nodded. "When they glow, we start to act and speak like Mary-Sues," she explained. All three would-be Valar looked puzzled. "Uhm…perfect fantasy heroines. Flawless." Laura sounded uncomfortable referring to herself as flawless, but once again, we only speak the truth. And in this case, with the mind altering, it wasn't a very happy truth, either.

Vairë didn't seem to catch on to Laura's discomfort. "Quite," she said, indolent, finally giving up on the thread. "That in itself isn't quite so remarkable. The girls that come here are almost always physically changed, whether that be into more beautiful human girls or into the Firstborn themselves. They do retain their own psyche, however, and so do the people around them."

Laura thought of Elladan and Elrohir fighting over her. It occurred to her that maybe that wasn't their regular psyche. I recalled our own conversation about how the princelings were hardly acting like we'd believed they would. I never would have imagined Legolas, for example, to be someone who would so rashly ask for a roll in the hay.

"This time they're not," Nessa said bluntly, catching onto my thoughts. I felt my face heat. "What happened to the other girls?" Laura asked quietly, as if afraid of the answer. I looked up and met Estë's eyes. "They all remembered who they really were throughout their stay here. Some stays only weeks, other's months, and yet other's years. Some established relationships with the elves who now admire you so, or whoever they came here to meet."

"How is that possible? Wouldn't they have remembered, after the girls left?" I asked sharply, thinking about Legolas' eager pursuit of yours truly. To think that he was married while he did that - well, I might just have to smack him silly the next time I saw him. Nessa grinned, as if the image of my smacking the Prince of Mirkwood upside his braided little skirt chasing head amused her. "The girls have always gone back to your world, mostly in the still of the night. From what we have learned, they were simply called from bed in the middle of the night into the forest. From there, they made it back to their own realm."

"And, what, everyone else just forgot about them?" Laura demanded.

"That is where I come in," Vairë said, indicating some of the burned threads that rested on the table next to her. My eyes widened as I realized what she meant - she had burned the history of the other girls stay in Middle Earth. It was as if it didn't exist. That was probably for the best, actually. It would have caused a lot of turmoil if husbands were allowed to remember their wives who had fallen from the sky, bloomed into perfect beings, and then vanished into thin air. Besides, knowing Mary-Sues, Aragorn and Faramir would have been having illicit affairs a lot of the time. Affairs amongst royalty could lead to more unpleasant things, like war.

"I don't see what this had to do with us," I said shakily. Estë smiled at me sadly. "Quite a lot, I'm afraid," she said. "There were no records taken by mortal hands, and so you shall have to wait here."

"For what?" Laura asked. It was getting quite chilly in this little hidden cellar.

"A member of the Istari will be joining us soon."

A/N: Read and review, please. I should listen to Moulin Rouge while I write more often. This chapter actually came pretty easily. Ewan just _inspires _me, that's all.


	14. Seeds to Sue

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: I meant to say this before, but I didn't have the reviewers' names handy and I was in a rush to post (my brother wanted the computer, too.) **VagrantCandy **got the big Ewan-shaped cookie (yum) for knowing who Estë, Vairë, and Nessa were. And **kukumalu, **who always leaves such wonderful paragraph reviews (woot, you rock…when are you going to write a fic for me to read!), compared Mirkwood to too-perfect place darling Ewan graced with his presence and made me a very happy girl. I'm really upset, though. Big Fish was on HBO today and I didn't get to see it because I was working. Poo.

And so, on to chapter 14:

1.

My stomach growled loudly in reply to Estë's suggestion that we wait for a member of the Istari. Nessa's eyes twinkled as she offered her apologies. "We did not realize how long you would be here," she said, smiling, "We do not have enough here for all of us to eat, and the Istari shall be here any moment. I will send for a meal," she said, walking up the stairs that we came through and exiting.

__

Not fair. How come it wouldn't open for us? Laura thought to me. I shrugged and huddled myself down into the chair. It was getting damn cold in this little cellar. It was Estë's turn to look sympathetic. She pointed to the fire and it leapt up suddenly, leaving Laura and I only to blink in confused terror.

"Leaving now," Laura squeaked.

"Come on, boots, start a'walkin'," I added. We were, however, stuck in our seats. It would take a while for us to work up the courage to run out - besides, the door had closed behind Nessa, and there was no way out. So Laura and I sat tight, hoping that Estë wouldn't freak out and start pointing that finger at us.

"Relax," Vairë said impatiently, "the Istari will be here any moment."

__

Oh, yeah, I'm really going to take a command of 'relax' from a demi-goddess with constant PMS, I thought nastily. Laura shot me a look. I rolled my eyes. I figured that Estë hadn't let Vairë skin us alive just yet, and as weird as that chick was, she certainly did seem to want to keep us alive.

The Istari arrived before Nessa did. It turned out that there was another exit besides the passage in the library. Directly opposite me, just to the left of the fireplace, the wall opened up again with the sound of stone rubbing against stone. Gandalf - who else? - made his way quietly into the room. No blinding light, no arrow reflecting, sword-melting heat, just a tired looking old man with a perfectly white beard.

"Greetings, young ones," he said to Laura and myself. He then looked between Estë and Vairë and offered a very deep bow. "I would kneel, my ladies Valar, but these bones have grown quite old these past years, and I do fear I wouldn't be able to stand again," he said warmly. He regarded them with a type of gentle reverence, and I wondered about the Undying Lands, and if the Valar walked among the elves there.

"You are ever young, Master Mithrandir." Estë addressed him with a smile. Had I not been used to strange occurrences since falling into Middle Earth, the sight of a beautiful seemingly twenty-something year old woman addressing the white haired Gandalf as "ever young" would have made me snicker. Then again, the Valar were older than I could even begin to imagine. The fact that none of this should even be possible eluded me.

"Right," I said happily, turning around as Nessa walked back in, followed by three elf girls carrying silver trays laden with what smelled to be an extremely satisfying lunch. Gandalf was a character that I'd always admired, and I felt a lot better now that he was here with Laura and I instead of just these strange Valar Queens who could point at fire and make it spring to life.

The girls placed the food on the table that Vairë had cleared. She moved her spinning wheel dejectedly in a corner and throughout our meal would shoot anxious glares at it. Nessa turned to the three elven girls who had brought the food from the kitchens. "You will forget about this place," she said softly, pressing her fingers first to her lips and then to their foreheads. They bowed their heads in acquiescence and left one by one to return to the kitchens. I felt Laura shudder besides me and I mirrored the gesture. Friendly or not, I didn't want Nessa to touch _my_ forehead and play some Middle Earth version of a Jedi mind trick on me. No thanks.

"Please, join us," Gandalf said, indication Laura and I. "There is much we have to discuss."

Our own hunger led us and I quickly found myself seated between Vairë and Nessa. Laura sat on the other side, between Gandalf and Estë.

"I have traveled far. Would it be all right if we spared ceremony and ate as we discuss the situation facing Middle Earth?" It was Gandalf's polite way of saying "I'm hungry, damn it, lets chow." He, too, seemed to be able to read my mind and regarded me with twinkling blue eyes over his turkey drumstick. I grinned back, the smell of Elvish cooking and the sudden warmth of the magical fire relieving my mood considerably.

Despite his suggestion that we eat and talk at the same time, it seemed that for the moment everyone was intent on just eating. The Valar Queens seemed to enjoy Elvish cooking just as much as I do, because they each loaded their plates to full and were taking their time and 'chowing down.'

"So," Laura said amiably, picking up her goblet and taking a sip. "As goddesses or whatever, do you seriously have to eat?" Estë grinned, the first true smile that I'd ever seen from her. The other times she'd smiled it had just been one of those eerie tilting of her lips thing. Not very settling, I'll tell you. Seeing her smile like a normal person set me at ease a bit more, or it might have been the fact that the wine, while watered, was still potent; and the food was making me sleepy. Damn elves.

"We are immortal and therefore do not suffer from hunger or thirst. The cooks at Mirkwood, however, are some of the more spectacular cooks that we have encountered during our travels of Middle Earth, and so eating here is quite a pleasure," Estë answered. Laura nodded, "Amen to that," she said.

"No, for the matter at hand," Gandalf said. "I know it must be very strange for you two, having just fallen from your homes into this world. Usually the girls that come here are able to adapt to the changes around them; to be honest, sometimes they are made to change." I shivered at the thought. I didn't want to be _made_ to do anything.

"Quite," Gandalf said quietly to me, and even Vairë looked sympathetic. "The fact is that you two, while altered physically -" "Harrumph!" said Laura, and I made a face. Gandalf's eyes crinkled in a smile. "Your mental states are still very much the same as they were when you got here. I'm sure you have asked what happens to the other girls and my ladies," he nodded deferentially to Estë, Vairë, and Nessa, "have tried to answer you. They, however, have not witnessed the trials of the others. I have." He pulled out a very small book from somewhere inside his many robes and handed it to me. "I have written down the accounts of all the visitors to Middle Earth from your world. You may keep this with you during your stay, but I shall summarize in short, if you do not mind."

"Summarize away," Laura said.

"Please do," I added, wiping my mouth with a handkerchief and folding it in my lap.

"You were told that girls upon occasion 'fall' through the fabrics of time and space from one dimension to the next. They are then pulled towards the beings that they had been enamored with in their world - in your world, beings that are 'fictional.'" Gandalf said. Laura and I nodded, leaning back in our seats and wishing that our bodices had not been laced up so tight. I pulled out a fan from one of the deep pockets of my skirts and unfolded it, fanning myself slowly. The mixture of a warm atmosphere and full belly were quite enough to put me to sleep, but unfortunately Estë must have sensed this. She pointed at the fire again and it lowered considerably. The room began to cool. I groaned and sat up.

"These girls then undergo changes. They become 'more beautiful,' to standards that exist in your world, I suppose. Taller, thinner, paler even. They are also changed mentally - they think like _ladies_ instead of erratic teenagers -"

"I beg your pardon!" Laura gasped. "How base of you, Master Gandalf," I said dejectedly. Amusement was back in the old wizards eyes as he continued, "The way they speak is changed," he said pointedly, and Laura and I dropped our feigned indignity like hot coals. Still amused, Gandalf went on. "They form relationships with beings of this world - often beings of renowned valor. You may have heard of some of them: Legolas Greenleaf, a dear friend of mine, one of the nine Companions that set out from Rivendell to destroy the One Ring of Power, Sauron's Ring -"

"_One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one wring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!" _Laura and I recited, like good little school girls saying the Pledge of Allegiance. "_Azg nazg _yadda yadda," we went on.

Gandalf blinked. "Ah, yes, forgive me. For a time, these girls alter reality of Middle Earth. The length of their stay here is often uncertain, but once they leave it is up to the lady Vairë to undo what has been done. Naught but the slimmest of memories survives them, certainly nothing worth writing down from the perspective of Elves and Men."

"And the girls?"

"Well, very often they go back to your world. I am told that they remember their stay here as if it was a dream. Very often they write about it," Gandalf said. Laura and I exchanged looks. We had just uncovered the very root of Mary-Suedom.

"It has become quite routine. But something about you two has changed all this. I do not believe your involvement in this is merely chance. You two are different. You have been changed physically, but you retain your mental state - as debatable as that mental state may be."

"Hey!" I groused.

"A jest, little one," Gandalf said apologetically. "The difference is in this: Instead of altering you entirely, it seems that the change is becoming external. The reality of Middle Earth is changing instead of your psyches. Middle Earth is becoming, to appropriate a term from your world, a Mary Sue."

A/N: I figured I'd leave it there…It's 10:42, I have work tomorrow, and I'm tired from work today. Also, there's chocolate cake in the fridge and yo tengo mucho hambre. Review, please!


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